When I was little, I went through a lot of things...
I was sexually harassed by my cousin for a few years starting at age 8. He's 8 years older than me and acts as if nothing ever happens. I feel like I want to break down and hurt him for making me go through so much...
But I feel like I can't do anything because it's too late...
I was always told to study...I was expected to be above my other classmates. I didn't want it to affect me and make me act a certain way. I didn't have much friends in elementary. In 1st grade, I met a friend who I would grow up with and be beside throughout middle school until high school. Before I met her, I was a wreck...I didn't feel important to myself or anyone...And now, because of an event that changed my life, I'm back to thinking that way...
I wonder how life would go on without me in this world...I want to leave behind all this pain...But I don't want to cause my parents any suffering...
I considered cutting. I may have actually done it in middle school, but nobody cared enough to stop me...Which cut a deeper wound into my heart than any knives could ever do...I wanted to be important to one person out of everyone in the whole world...He was everything to me. I took too long to tell him that...And even if I had, he still would've rejected me...Just as my past crushes had...But he was more than just a crush to me...
I actually started thinking, maybe he was my first love... I just wanted to be around him, because he made me happy and forget about my problems no matter what it was. I wanted to be more than friends, of course, but then I missed my chance...I think I would've been rejected either way, despite what my friends told me...And I couldn't imagine any other person I'd want my first kiss to be...But what I didn't want him to be, was my first heartbreak.
I thought I had gotten over him 2 months ago. I had finally felt free of all this pain. I met new people and hoped something would come of the relationships...But a dream brought back everything....
