Disclaimer: I don't own the characters, the amazing and wonderful John Michael Green does! If I did own anything, I would not be sitting alone in my room and writing fanfiction in my free time.
Enjoy the story! Told from Hazel's POV:
It has been a year. One whole year. A long year. It has been said, "time heals all wounds." I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and pain lessens. But it is never gone. The pain still remains, and my cancer had adapted to the Phalanxifor and it was no longer slowing the growth of cancer cells.
I am still alive. Or, if being chained to my bed and not being able to go anywhere is counted as alive, then yes, I am alive. Though I will not say so myself. A glorious thank-you goes to my dear friend, Phillip for keeping me company. Well, him and my parents. My mum haven't left me alone for a minute, except for when she has to go to the toilet or eat, and apart from that she spends most of her time by my bed, an invisible force chaining her to my bed aswell. Well, nothing is really holding her back, and to be honest: I want her to go out, get some new friends or go on a date with dad. I just want her to live her own life, but she refuses.
She told me, "This is my choice, dear, I am here because I love love love you."
And I replied, "I love you so much mum," though I am not sure if she heard it, because it came out as an exahusted moan. My body felt so heavy, and my brain is fuzzy and foggy. It feels like I am slowly dying, which I guess I am doing. My parents must know it. Dr. Maria must know. Phillip must know it aswell. And Augustus Waters knows. He knows I am coming soon.
Does he still exist? My love, my great star-crossed love. I know he does. He has to exist, somewhere. I know he's around. He's watching me, he must be, because he loved me. He loves me. There's no way he is gone. No way in the world. And then it feels like my heart explodes. It took me weeks, months; it took me forever to accept that I would never hear Gus's voice ever again. And I know that my heart will never heal. Because now it feels like there is a claw buring its way into my chest, ripping my already broken heart to pieces.
I can't help myself. I scream. The claw must have gone towards my head now aswell. It feels like an apocalyptic pain is fingering out from the unreachable center of my head. I scream again, and I can barely make out my mom's sweaty face, and I can barely feel her hand squeezing mine whilst doctors comes rushing into my room. There is nothing they can do. Nothing they can do against the supernovae exploding inside my brain, causing my screams to reach new heights.
The pain is unbearable. I know that screaming makes the pain worse. But there's nothing I can do. I have never felt anything as horrible as this in my entire life. I promised myself to try to make my death easy for my parents, as peaceful as possible. I had put the scenario up in my head several times; me by my bed, slowly falling asleep, and my mum and dad by my side. Us, and no one else. But there's chaos now. People are running back and forth, shouting commands.
I'm going. I am going. The weaves that has threatened to wash me away for so long, is about to take me into oblivion. I can't make out the colors, I can't hear anything. The world is only colors. Beautiful colors. My body goes limp, and my eyes close. I can't keep them open. I barely have energy to breathe. Someone screams my name, over and over. I try to reply, but I cannot open my mouth. I can't move at all. My heart is still pumping, but there is a horse racing going on inside my chest; my heart is sprinting towards it's last heartbeat.
And then a little bulb of light emerged in front of me. I could see it all clearly. Slowly, it floats through the air, towards my heart. And then it expands, and expands, and expands. Then it explodes in a huge supernova of light, and I close my eyes. Then I hear my name, and I force my eyes open. Shocked, I realize that the cannula is no longer in my nose, and that I am fully able to breathe. The pain is gone. I slowly rise up from the bed, and my eyes fill with tears as my eyes meets his beautiful, deep blue ones. I reach out, and my hand tangles into his as he sits next to my bed.
"Took you long enough, Hazel Grace," Augustus chuckles, his crooked smile plastered over his face.
"I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them," I say. He laugs, and leans in and hugs me. I hug him back. I hug him harder than I have hugged any others in my entire life. He kisses me on the the top of my head, and I place my head on his chest. We stay like this for what seems like forever. I listen to his heartbeats, his strong and alive heartbeats. And then he pulls away, and stands. I look at him surprised, but he just smiles back at me.
"You can have it all. Just not all at once. Now is not the time," he begins, and I can see that he is dissapearing, slowly, but it is certain that he is fading. And then he reaches for my hand, but I am just outside his reach. "but we do have time. We do have time for our little infinity."
Happy tears are now streaming down my face, as I reach out as he dissapears into the light again. But the light still remains. I rise, and begin to walk into the light. It will close once I enter, I know it will. I think of my mum and my dad. I know they will manage. I know they love me, and I know that they know that I love them so so so much. They understand that I want to be with Gus. That my mission in this life is complete. With that I take the last few steps into the light, and close my eyes.
I can make out one clear thought: I am on my way Augustus. My lovely, wonderful, amazing Gus; I am on my way.
xx
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