Dear Mother,
I don't really know how to tell you this, but the rainbow hedgehogs want to destroy you. I think I realized it when I tripped on peanut butter in your closet and I saw you sit on the elephant in the corner. I'm sure you're sterile enough to understand that your driving sucks. I'm returning your love letters to me to you, but I'll keep your photo with the mustache drawn on it as a memory. You should also know that I mocked you behind your back constantly and you ruined my attempts at another world war.
Please, don't lick my inner thighs anymore,
Chelsea.
Here's how you do it:
Dear (someone you recently talked to),
I don't really know how to tell you this, but (1). I think I realized it (2)(3) and I saw you (4)(5). I'm sure you're (6) enought to understand (7). I'm returning (8) to You, but I'll keep (9) as a memory. You should also know that I (10) and (11).
(12)
What's the color of your shirt?
Blue- I'm in love with your cat
Red- Our Affair is over
White-The Rainbow hedgehogs want to destroy you
Black- Our romance is over
Green-Our socks don't match
Grey- You're a Leprechaun
Yellow-I'm selling myself gor candy
Pink-Your nostrils are insulting
Brown-The mafia wants you
No Shirt-I'm joining the Convent
Other-I dislike your eyelashes
Which is your birth month?
January-That night you picked your nose
February-When I quoted Forrest Gump
March-When your Dwarf bit me
April-When I tripped on peanut butter
May-When I threw up in your sock drawer
June-When you put cuffs on me
July-When I saw the purple monkey
August-When you smacked my ass
September-Last year when you peed your pants
October-When we skinny dipped in the bathtub
November-When your dog humped my leg
December-When I finally changed my underwear
Which food do you prefer?
Tacos-In your apartment
Chicken-In your car
Pasta-Outside your office
Hamburgers-Under the bus
Salad-As you were eating Kraft Dinner
Lasagna-In your closet
Kebab-With Jean Chrétien
Seafood-In a clown suit
Sandwiches-At the Elton John concert
Pizza-At the mental hospital
Hot dog-Under a street light
Annat-With George Bush and Stephen Harper
