Don't let me go

another day

The scorch of the sun wakes me up every morning, even my air-conditioned room can't match the heat of florida. I'm on the 14th floor of the hospital which doesn't add any comfort by the heat of the sun.

I sit on my bed, swinging my bare foot in the midair without touching the ground, my bed and I'm lucky I'm in a hospital where they let you add anything on your hospital bed like another sheet of bed just to make you feel comfortable and feel at home but it doesn't give any comfort too.

The sound of beeping on my heart rate monitor or cardiac monitor or whatever they call it these days, is the only thing i really like in my room. You see, it's not here to give you any comfort or feel less like home but it's here because it's here, it stays true as it is or is it just how i metaphorically think.

Sometimes i wonder when will i hear the beeping stop, or when will i stop doing chemotherapy and abandon this desolated room.

I had a roommate before, her name was angeline she was 17 and i was 14. She had stage three leukemia when she became my roomate. She was a very positive person and has a positive outcome about life. It's very rare to see her cry because most of the time i see her happy. She also became my best friend, she often tells me about the earth and how it feels like to live as a normal teenager on how she used to be one, but she doesn't think the way i think and that having cancer doesn't stop you to be a normal human being and act like cancer doesn't affect her at all.

I stood frozen staring abruptly at now vacant space in front of my bed where Angeline's bed used to be. I still remember the last time she smiles and waved at me 'goodnight' she  looks paler that time, even though it's hard to comprehend but i can see it in her eyes  she's hurting.  I woke up the next morning and saw a lot of people gathering around her bed, kiana (her mother) was crying and i already knew why. She died on 4:53 in the morning and there was no trace of agony.

I still couldn't move on to the fact that my best friend died and i did nothing to help her. I never felt so alone and isolated in my life. My mother often visits me sometimes, she knows that spending life in the hospital is the worst and without a little company is depressing specially when she knew that i just lost my best friend. So she gave me a phone and i get used to it now. It's my window to the outside the world.

I forgot to grab it from Theresa's office last night, she's my favorite doctor. She's not too friendly but very talkative that's what i probably like about a certain person, someone who knows how to keep a conversation going. She's like an older sister to me, she became my friend before Angeline came and I've known her since i was younger.

I walk to the busy hallway of the hospital, I've known and memorised the hospital for all my life, sometimes i wander around the hospital when I'm bored. I take a turn and reached for the doctor's office, I'm glad Theresa's there. She was talking on her phone while flipping on some crippled files, she turn her gaze up at me and i gave her a smile.

She ended the call putting the phone down on her desk. "Good morning sunshine, have you had breakfast yet?" She asked kindly.

"No, not yet would you care to join me down the canteen?" I ask her. To be honest the food in here sucks, but theresa likes the canteen food so i gradually just join along her.

"Sorry sweetheart, i can't i have a lot of works to do. Here, i know you never like the food in here so i made you PJ." She said handing me a plate of peanut butter and jelly she cut the sandwich in half, taking the other half.

"Thanks." I said taking the sandwich, she put the plate down and put her white coat on, getting ready to leave.

"Umm Theresa? Have you seen my phone? I think i left it here." I asked her while i taken another bite of my sandwich.

"Yeah, i charged it somewhere... Oh there it is!" She point at the back of her desk where my phone is sitting. She took it and hand it to me.

"Thanks." I told her.

"Welcome, now get a proper breakfast downstairs and take your medicine okay?" She insure. I nod in reply and we both exited her office. She closed the door behind her and we began departing our ways.

I decided to go to the elevator and go for a walk at the hospital garden for a while. I check my phone for the time, it's 8:30 am. I entered the elevator when the sound ding cames on, signalling me to enter.

I click for the ground floor and waited for a brief moment for the elevator door to close when a guy enters. He wore a sunglasses and a hoodie pulled up to his head, he looks like a serial killer or a person in hide or something, but what if he is a wanted person? who would've worn this kind of clothing inside the hospital though? But even if he is, he looks really attractive.

The elevator ding again, signalling that we've reached the ground floor. I made my way outside the hospital and take a seat at the usual bench i used to seat.

I stare at the sky inhaling the fresh air, this is what i usually like about mornings, just me, the flowers, the air and any other good molecules that keeps me alive somehow. I know some people would find it unattractive for a 16 years old such as me to be this weird, but i don't care, I'm dying and that's all i care about.

I felt an eye watching me while I'm contemplating about life. I opened my eyes and tilt my head to see if some creep is watching me, but i ignored the feeling. I stood up from the bench and walk around the garden for a while. The carnation plant is my favorite, i used to watch it grow when i was little and waiting for it to grow somehow gives me a reason to live and it began to be my favorite plant since then.

I entered the hospital when i can't handle the heat anymore and gradually made my way to the 14th floor of the building.

The hallway was more busy and crowded this time, just by looking at it for a fair distance nurses and doctors are gathering around someone sitting on the waiting area i peek behind the space between two chatting nurses and saw the guy from the elevator sitting boredly on the waiting area with his earphone plug on his ears, not even minding the people gathering around him like he's a celebrity. I saw Tessa one of the nurse i knew, and i came up to her and asked her what was going on.

"They wanted to take a photo with him but it seems he doesn't want to." She said.

"He doesn't look pleased." I said.

"Yeah." She said.

I backed away from the crowd and decided to head back to my room when my head started to get fuzzy.