A Friend

The Start

The beginnings are the part I never remember. Each friendship is gradual, I never know how it started. And each time I get a bit more awkward and anti-social, losing the ability to make a friend, less and less. I was afraid this time, I had completely lost the ability.

In a way, I had. I was beyond awkward. I took hours trying to figure out how to respond like I do towards teachers and such. It was quick, this time. A bond formed less from time and more from will. They came and befriended me of their own accord, an oddly natural phenomenon, somehow. We were both awkward, I probably wasn't helping at all. After all, I was gushing out my aura of super-mega awkwardness. (There should be more synonyms that describe awkward than just the word itself. It's really hard on this author because she sucks.) Still for some reason they stuck with me and offered to meet up. Which I obviously did a poor job of arranging. I took about 20 minutes just to say my first sentence. That day, I had also made the mistake of not checking my phone for hours, a rare case. I'm typically the friend that responds instantaneously but not that day. I had been trying to get away from the spell that is my phone and of course it was broken, on the wrong day.

That day had continuously seemed to be turning more wrong paths than right. It was a friend's birthday, it was a good celebration. I realized some more things about myself that day, however at the cost of my nonexistent pride and courtesy. We played wii games. As a child I was never interested in any kind of technology as a kid, I was the common bookworm. I would have taken a book over that new invention, the iPad or TV, even though we bothered to pay for channel at the time. The first time I played a wii game was probably in third grade, Just Dance at my best friend's house. So as you can see, my history with wii games isn't very rich considering I rarely played other than that time. What contributed was my lack of interest in all technology and we got dirt poor around that time of my life, barely getting by. We eventually got much better but we moved. It wasn't the first, nor the last time I moved. Anyway the point is, I lost most of the wii games because I had literally zero experience but that's okay.

Things started looking up when I started reading. I had quit reading a few years back and my concentration has been a mess ever since so I've been persisting to read one of my "fun" books even if they were really bad. It was for te sake of my concentration. Anyway I was just reading for a few hours and then the messy chaotic texting mess I described above occurred. It got planned out insanely fast. It could've been my record but I never remember how any of my friendships started so I'm typing this. After the texting I got really excited, I don't know why, maybe it was all the emojis they sent or something triggered the dopamine but I was elated.

Maybe it's because I finally felt like I was living in the present rather than watching the movie that is my life go past as I had for so many years. I might not just be looking back but perhaps, just maybe, have the ability to look at the future.

This is a recording of my hope. ~G

February 10, 2018.