Evanesce

Evanesce (Wattys 2019)

"I told you this was going to happen." She said, her back turned to me. Her stance was cold, and desolate. I'd never seen her like this. Jess always had this infectiously bubbly way about her, and knowing that what I had just said to her made that disappear in an instant made my heart plummet. "I told you people always leave."

"I'm so sorry." My gaze fell to the floor, and my copper hair shadowed my face like a curtain. I clenched my jaw, teeth pressing together so tightly they could just about shatter.

"Sorry doesn't mean shit Dani!" Suddenly Jess was in front of me, her features contorted with a vexed expression. She placed her hands on my shoulders and shoved me backwards into the kitchen counter. The hurt in her dark brown eyes was nearly enough to break me. Her voice dropped into a whisper, her bottom lip quivered. "Why didn't you tell me?"

I couldn't look at her, the splitting pain in my chest only intensified the longer my eyes lingered on her face. With my line of sight focused out the window behind her my words tumbled out in a string of rambled emotion. "I couldn't just tell you this. I couldn't just come out and say that I murdered my abusive father, and that I've been running from the police and my dad's best friend who wants me dead. I couldn't just tell you that I might never fucking see you again, Jess." My voice broke, and I could no longer see the lavender flowers that bloomed outside the window. I hadn't cried since it happened, I couldn't. But it seems that all of the tears I had been holding back were drowning me.

The day I met her was the easiest day I'd had in months. By easy I mean, I felt like I could breathe, like I could relax. It was the third time I had arrived to a new place in the past five months. I was walking out of Dorothy's, a rustic diner behind the old movie theater, my head so consumed in thought that I didn't even realize that the door was being held open for me.

"No thank you, huh?" She had scoffed, her tone laced with valor. I stopped, snapping out of the dissociated state that had taken over my consciousness. I glanced back to see a petite girl with dark umber hair , the loose curls barley reaching her collar bones. A small challenging smirk adorned her lips. My heart beat quickened, and I tried my best to smile convincingly.

"Oh, um sorry. I guess I wasn't paying attention. Thank you." My own voice sounded foreign. I hadn't done much talking lately. I spoke only when necessary, and avoided all interaction if possible. When I was alone, in the one room apartment that I was renting, there was nothing but staggering silence for hours on end.

She must have sensed the dejected mood surrounding me, because the smirk disappeared and was replaced with a slight frown. Concern flooded her eyes, and she stepped towards me as the door swung shut. "Ya know, you could get hit by a car doing shit like that." Though her utterance feigned an air of playfulness, her eyes gave away her thoughts. She was wondering what the hell was wrong with me, and I was wondering the same thing.

"Probably not, I couldn't get that lucky." My lips turned up into a smirk of my own, and her eyes brightened at the change in my expression.

"It'd be a god damn privilege wouldn't it?" The smile had returned to her face, and my stomach felt uneasy with the thoughts that went through my head. I was attracted to this girl, immensely. I consciously knew that nothing would come of it because that would complicate the hell out of my already convoluted life. Yet I couldn't bring myself to say no when she asked if she could walk me home. Little did I know that just six months later she had become the only thing that was keeping me from disappearing completely, in every aspect.

Jess stepped closer and pulled me back to the present. The vacant expression on her face told me that hearing it a second time did not, in any way, lessen the blow. But as the moments slipped by us the pained expression softened, and her eyes fluttered closed. She heaved a labored sigh and leaned her forehead against mine.

"I love you, Dani." The words were so faint I could hardly hear them. I strode backwards, my gaze finding hers with a sense of urgency, searching for a sign of accuracy in the words she had just spoken. Her lovely brown eyes were cerise, tears still pooling in them. Jess knew me better than I knew myself, as a result of that she understood the doubt that was clouding my reaction. She nodded, and whispered softly. "I do."

Without another word, another thought, another breath, I pulled her into me. With one hand on her waist and the other resting on her cheek, I pressed my lips against hers with intensity. It was the first time she had ever said that to me, though I had said it to her countless time while she slept soundly beside me. The feeling in my chest was enough to overcome the fear, for a moment or two at least. When the kiss was broken she wrapped her arms around my torso, hugging me tightly.

"If you must disappear, let me disappear with you." Jess implored, her head resting on my chest. My eyes screwed shut. I knew Jess. I knew every single minuscule thought that was hurtling through her brain in that moment, and I knew that this wasn't going to be something that she stood by and watched happen. So I said what I had to say.

"Okay, love." I muttered softly, holding her tighter. I breathed deeply, trying desperately to memorize her, every bit of her, while I had the chance. She was blissfully unaware that while she slept soundly that night I would slip away from her life as quickly as I appeared.

My heart shattered at the very thought.