Dark thoughts dwelling in my crowded mind

deep thought at night

Lately everything is a mess, my mind is corrupted and falters under the pressure that I call life.
But one thought calms me, my body will fall first and set my mind free, on the day it gives me up, I will know that I can give in too and be freed.
Nobody tells you it’s easy, they a say it’s hard, so endure it and move on but in the end they judge you if you don’t make it.
Being a burden for you, for everyone is too much and it makes me incredibly sad, I can taste puke in my mouth, it’s sickening.
There are people who have it harder than I do, that’s why I keep quiet but will they know how I feel?
Is it the tension of being mentally sick that’s so thrilling to keep me shut?
I hope I can get away, I love my family so much.
I’m lonely, I’m a terrible person and I still want to be loved.
I know I don’t deserve it but please don’t judge me, hate me and ignore me.
Life is hard as it is, I just want my mind to clear up and all this mess to be stopped.
Stop it stop it stop it.
If I were to write my final words, I would say that I want to live on, I cling to life as a corpse to the ground.
Its conflicting honestly, I’m afraid of death since I know that when it occurs…everyone will be gone and I hate the thought of being left alone.
Yet I push people away, it’s so irritating, that’s why I know and recognize how hard it must be to be nice to me, I won’t respond to you, keep my distance and cry for hours on my bed.
Searching for people while avoiding them.
Thank you for being there in this time of need.
I can’t clear those clouds without you, my inner peace can’t be found.
I will work on myself, that’s my thought right now.
Me and my mess, you and your own business…it will never be easy.
(( I wrote this listening to  You’re not alone by Mads Langer ))