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A. OPENING
This covers chapters one to three since these parts narrate the backstory of the main character, Margo.
The first thing that came to my mind when I read this, it's impressive. I can't help but remember the line from one of Tom Cruise's movies when Renee said, "You had me at hello." I found myself nodding and smiling at the same time while reading the opening sentence. It has a fairy tale or a Hobitish feel to it. And, I'm a fan of those two. Kahit sa edad ko na 'to.
It's also very informative since it talks about some of Egypt's cultures and beliefs. It's brilliantly crafted that you won't be able to draw the line between what's fact and what's fiction.
If there's something to fix, I think it's just the technical aspect in writing. On second thought, erase the just. The technical aspect is important in making your manuscript more polish.
Here's my observation:
1) Redundant narrative.
Sample:
Oops! Ang larawang ito ay hindi sumusunod sa aming mga alituntunin sa nilalaman. Upang magpatuloy sa pag-publish, subukan itong alisin o mag-upload ng bago.
Repetitive narrative slows down the pacing and makes the sentence structure weak. By removing it, you would be able to tighten your narrative.
Readers can easily pick up redundant narratives. Nag-register na kasi sa isip nila 'yong information tapos mababasa nila uli.
2) Awkward sentence arrangement.
Sample:
Oops! Ang larawang ito ay hindi sumusunod sa aming mga alituntunin sa nilalaman. Upang magpatuloy sa pag-publish, subukan itong alisin o mag-upload ng bago.
