Loving and Losing Juliett

Chapter 3 : Losing You

Or at least it feels like I do. This must be what dying feels like. I'm having a heart attack. But as I said- torture....No matter what she says, Juliett has torture down to an art... you leave no hope of death. Only torment.

"I'm s-sorry," she stammer, "I'm so sorry-I never meant for this to happen-I wasn't thinking-"

But her works do nothing to fill the black hole she opens up with that one little word, that name. I knew it was coming, that some things are just too good to be true, I just never thought it would hurt so bad.

I wait to wake up, to feel the reliefs that this is all a dream. To know Juliett could never inflict such pain into me.

But...

Nothing happens.

I whisper, "What's happening to me? Am I dreaming?" I feel as tho I am, never, but in my dreams, never have I felt like this, this pain. It's indescribably...but I only feel it in my....heart.

"You're choosing him?" I ask feeling as tho I might die from the pain and anger, or at least pass out. "Is that what just happened? You're choosing Kent over me? Because I don't think I understand what just happened and I need you to say something, I need you to tell me what the hell is happening to me right now-"

"No," she gasps. "No, I'm not choosing anyone-I'm not- I'm n-not-"

"Why? Because he's the safer choice for you? Because you think you owe him something? You are making a mistake," I say my voice rising as I try not to yell at her. "You're scared. You don't want to make the difficult choice and you're running away from me." I say, my voice now, little more than a hiss.

"Maybe I just don't want to be with you."

"I know you want to be with me!" I burst out.

"You're wrong." she says, looking surprised she said it.

"Really?" I struggle to tame my temper, and my urges to tell her to forget the last few minutes so we can get back to what was happening before she said the wrong name. Just...Before.

"Y-yes."

"So I'm wrong. I'm wrong that you want me. That you want to be with me." My fingers graze her shoulders, her arms; my hands slide down the sides of her. Even now, while in the middle of all this, can I not touch her.

"Tell me something, love. Am I blind, too?" I ask.

It seems like she stops stops breathing.

I am not stupid, I know she has feelings for me. I know she is torn because of Kent. I know she also wishes for me to just disappear....because then everything would be easier....but I have never been one to give up. I stand be my decisions. And my heart...which she holds. And is twisting and stabbing and.....misusing.

"I will not be your clown! I will not allow you to make a mockery of my feelings for you! I could respect your decision to shoot me, Juliette, but doing this-doing-doing what you just did-" I can barely speak, I was so angry and hurt. I want to scream and shout and take a page out of Kent's book and her and plead all and....die. "It's the play of a coward," I say. "I thought you were so much better than that."

"I'm not a coward-"

"Then be honest with yourself!" I say. "Be honest with me! Tell me the truth!"

Her hands are clench into shaking fists. "The truth is that I never know what to think of you! Your actions, your behavior-you're never consistent! You're horrible to me and then you're kind to me and you tell me you love me and then you hurt the ones I care most about!

"And you're a liar," she snap, backing away from me. "You say you don't care about what you do-you say you don't care about other people and what you've done to them but I don't believe it. I think you're hiding. I think the real you is hiding underneath all of the destruction and I think you're better than this life you've chosen for yourself. I think you can change. I think you could be different. And I feel sorry for you!" she says and I am stunned.

"I'm sorry for your horrible childhood. I'm sorry you have such a miserable, worthless father and I'm sorry no one ever took a chance on you. I'm sorry for the terrible decisions you've made. I'm sorry that you feel trapped by them, that you think of yourself as a monster who can't be changed. But most of all, most of all I'm sorry that you have no mercy for yourself!"

I flinch.

When I speak my word come out so raw, so full of shock.

"You pity me."

Her breath catches

"You think I'm some kind of broken project you can repair."

"No-I didn't-"

"You have no idea what I've done!" my word practically spit at her, I have never been angrier in my life. "You have no idea what I've seen, what I've had to be a part of. You have no idea what I'm capable of or how much mercy I deserve. I know my own heart," I snaps my brain and heart full of anger and pain "I know who I am. Don't you dare pity me.

"I thought you could love me for me," I say. "I thought you would be the one person in this godforsaken world who would accept me as I am! I thought you, of all people, would understand." I put my face right in front of hers when I say, "I was wrong. I was so horribly, horribly wrong."

I back up and grab my shirt as Juliett stutters out more of her sugar coated lies. "Please-that's not what I meant-"

Not able to control myself any longer I spin around and say "I do not want your sympathy!"

"I wasn't trying to hurt you-"

"The truth is a painful reminder of why I prefer to live among the lies." I say, heartbreaking. As I said before...the truth is a vicious mistress.

And she hurts more than lies.

I feel as tho I might die. Nothing, not the "punishment" and "training" my father conducted, not even being shot, hurt this bad.

I start to say something but come up short... usually I am good with words, but the words fall short in my heartache "Goodbye, Juliette."

Shakespeare once said "parting is such sweet sorrow" but there is nothing sweet spot my departure from my Juliett.

"I won't see you again." she says twisting the knife in my heart.

I let the last remaining bits of my carefully built mask slip away as I try to find something to say. There is nothing is the work to describe this feeling. I don't know why I thought I could have anything good and pure as love in my life, but I had to try. And new I know I am worthless, but I hope to someday be worth something her. "I certainly hope not" I li- finally respond as my heart breaks a little more and I leave. Shutting the door on my love.