Letters I'll Never Send

Young Love

Dear xxxxxxx,

Oh my god, where the fuck do I even begin? I love you. I love you so fucking much. And I know we've been saying that to each other for years, as friends, but I mean it in a different way. Different as in I-want-to-date-you "love" not just I-want-to-be-friends "love". You know? What am I saying of course you do. So that you fully understand how I feel about you, let me explain:
When you text me first, I feel lighter. When you say or do something stupid, it makes me giggle because you're so damn cute. When you send me a heart, I start beaming. When snap chatting and your face is in the frame just a little, I get excited because I love seeing you. When you hug me, I feel so safe. I feel like nothing can touch me. When you hold me, god nothing feels better, nothing feels safer than being in your arms. You're so funny, you make me laugh and giggle, and I love giggling but I almost never do. You're warm and tall and comfy and when you hug me I feel like I'm being enveloped in a big blanket on a cold day. You're incredibly smart so I don't have to deal with the "oh my god wtf did you just say like are you being serious?", and let me tell you not having to deal with that is a-mazing. I mean you're still a stupid teenage boy but you know when and how to be mature. You don't always know what to do when I'm upset but a lot of the time you know what I need before I even do. You're incredibly handsome, strong, tall, attractive and holy fuck, your eyes. Your eyes. They can never seem to make up their mind. I could get lost in them.  I can't imagine what my life would be like without you. And to be honest, I don't want to. I've had a crush on you for the longest time. It first started a couple months after we first met. It was then off and on up until my first boyfriend. Then after the two months of dating and we broke up, it took our next visit in person for me to crush on you again. They say, "feelings that come back never really left." I guess it's true. But even then I denied it for multiple months. Now I talk to my friends about stuff and they say you might like me back and each time I scream, "NOOO!" because I refuse to let myself think you might feel the same. I don't want to get my hopes crushed. Completely. I almost feel like you already know I have a crush on you. It's not like I'm trying to hide it, but I'm not throwing it straight out in front of you.  Sometimes I wonder why you stick around and deal with my bullshit. I mean you have so many different friends that are NOWHERE near as fucked up as I am. And that's what scares me. Because you could walk away and be fine. And I would be lost. Just so lost. I know that you mean more to me then I do to you. And I hate it. I wish I could make you need me like I need you. God I miss you. I miss you so much. But anyways, I'm going to tell you about my feelings soon. And honestly the only reason I'm telling you is because I want to get over you. It hurts so bad. I get so jealous whenever I hear you mention another female friend. It makes me so sad. But yeah I'm telling you I like you because I know you're gonna say "I don't feel the same," and I can move on and our friendship will be absolutely fine. Because I don't want anything to change about our relationship. It's is so incredibly important to me. I can't lose you. I just can't. You literally keep me alive. Sometimes when I feel suicidal you pop into my brain and I think, "huh but then I won't get to talk to xxxxxxx anymore." And then those scary thoughts are gone.
I love you. I love you with all my heart.

                                                                        -Me