The pain ebbs and flows
Like a body of water
It is the water within
The water that goes from crystal clear and sunlit
To dark and murky
A true abyss
An abyss that has no form and bottom
An abyss that can rage for days or maybe even a few seconds
An abyss made of fear and anger and hurt and hate
It is made of every mistake, every bad thought, every angry word I have given and received
It lives within me.
Resides within me
I can reach in and touch it
Touch the abyss
Feel the current
Feel the water roil
The sea within me was a maelstrom
It raged and sucked ships down
Ships carrying happiness, joy, laughter, relationships
It made everything disappear instantly
Made all of it vanish into thin air
Like it has never been there
The maelstrom disappears
And I search for the ships
Wonder where they have gone
Wonder what had happened
I jump into the waters
No longer roiling, no longer crystal clear
Swim as deep as I can in search of a ship, any ship
A mast
A wheel
Anything
In the water
I cry out
Bubbles come out in a rush
I spin around in the water, trying to see
See anything at all
The water is starting to hurt my eyes
There is no air left in my lungs
I fight my body's urge to inhale
Fight the instinct to inhale water
Fight the instinct to inhale the same water that had drowned all my ships
I fight upwards
Move towards the surface
Look at nothing else
I need the oxygen
The water is trying to win
But it can't beat me anymore - I have nothing left to lose
I can see the light rippling through
Feel the waters get warmer
I feel my fingertips break the surface
Then the rest of me follows
I pull air into my body
I can feel it fill me
Feel
Me
Expand
The air is light
And it removes the oppressiveness of the water
I breathe deep
Again
Again
Again
The water around me is calm
Supportive instead of destructive
I lie on my back and float
Sun on my face
Water buoying me up
I simply be
In the distance, I hear the sound of a ship.
