Eva,
I bet you had never imagined me doing something like this, and if you think this letter sucks and it's just me rambling and not getting straight to the point, you're right. Maybe this will suck, maybe you will never receive this cause maybe I won't be able to find the courage to even send this to you. But at least I need to try. Because you deserve that and a lot more, and I know for a fact that you would be proud of me just for trying.
So...yeah, I don't really know how to start, cause, when I look back at what we had I notice that we never had a proper beginning, I just remember gravitating towards you at any chance I got, and feeling so overwhelmed I couldn't be anything else that an asshole most of the times. But for some reason you kinda found me funny and maybe good enough to keep me around.
When we were alone I felt like my truest self, even though at first I was hiding behind that fuckboy facade that I had spent so many years building. You never gave up on me, you never asked me questions that I didn't want to answer, but you were always there when I decided to open up. And the look on your face when you were listening to what whatever I had to say was what made me see you in a different light than the rest of the people, I was starting to really like you without even noticing it.
I remember that time when we were spending almost every day together, without anyone knowing about us, without any pressure, no labels, just us, enjoying eachother. It all felt so natural I didn't even had time to panic about what was happening between us and how I was starting to feel towards you.
My first year in college was hard for me. In Nissen I felt important, protected, the coolest guy around, but in college I was just a nobody. I felt out of place most of the time, like I didn't belong there and when my courses where done I couldn't wait to get out of there. Even thought I had always been good with new people and never had a problem with making new friends I couldn't bring myself to be the guy that I know that I am. I was so unhappy there and the only thing that made me feel good was being with you. With you I felt like the coolest guy again. All the things we did together that year are some of my favourite memories and I grew so attached to you I thought it was unfair, cause even if you don't know this you were the only person that had the power to lift me up, and that was a responsibility too big to put on anyone's shoulders.
I decided that I needed to find myself, and I remember telling you that I was leaving after that christmas party we went together. I spent all that night observing you, every little thing, I wanted to have you printed on my memory. When we were finally alone, at your bed, in our safe place I knew the time to talk had come, and I almost couldn't do it. I had never imagine that leaving you could be so hard for me. You were there, looking at me, trying to figure me out, cause you knew something was wrong. You were caressing my face that way I loved so much, and I just wanted that to last forever. I was so scared and embarrassed, maybe all we had was in my head and you didn't feel the same way about me. We had never talked about feelings and maybe they weren't there for you. I wanted to tell you so many things but I couldn't put most of them into words. I wanted to ask you if you were going to miss me, if you were going to be with other guys, if you thought someone could touch you the way I did, because I sure knew that for me it was going to be impossible to find a person that could made me feel the way I felt when I was with you. But I didn't say any of that, instead I did what I always do when I'm scared, trying to cover that up by turning my feelings into a joke.
I told you that I was leaving to join the army as casually as I could, trying to swallow everything I really wanted to say and acting like a like a total douchebag, like I didn't even care about you, and you were just another girl. I knew that hurted you, even when you pretented to be alright with every single dumb thing that was flying out of my mouth, I knew you better than that, and I wanted to take back everything I said, cause if there was something that I didn't want, was for you to cry, I couldn't let that happen, not for a person like me.
So I did what I knew best, letting my body explain what I wasn't able to tell you. We spend all night together and then it was time for me to go. You were sleeping and I thought that would be for the best, not been able to say goodbye, so I left you there and I felt broken. I though you were going to forget about me, that everything we had was going to fade and all you were going to had left was a vague memory of a dumb boy that never cared enough about you.
But you surprised me once again, showing up at the airport to say goodbye to me, letting me know that our thing was not over, and we could still workout somehow, and I was on cloud nine, cause I felt that even when I was a dick you still got me, you still saw through me, you never gave up on me.
The last thing I did before getting in that plane was kissing you, and I tresured that memory every single day we were apart.
We talked a lot when I was away, almost every day. I missed you like you would never guess.
In the army I was starting to feel a lot more like myself again. I was making new friends, I was learing so many things, I was growing, and I couldn't wait to go back and share everything with you. But with the days passing I noticed that something about you had change, it was hard to point out what it was, but I felt like you were being a little bit cold with me, and I panicked. A lot of things went through my head, maybe you found someone new, or you just got bored of me, every possibility was painfull, cause every one of them seemed so real.
When you mentioned your birthday party I knew that I needed to go, so I did everything I could to get the days off, and I did.
I needed to see you in person, I wanted to know what was going on with you, with us.
When I arrived at your party I was nervous to see you, I didn't know how you were going to react, all I could do was hope for you to not be indifferent or annoyed. And you weren't, you smiled at me, as bright as ever and then you hugged me as hard and warm as I needed, and eveything fell into place again. I didn't left your side for even a brief second. I had the time of my life at that party.
Once again we were where we were supposed to be, together, alone, in your bed, showing how much we missed each other, even if we didn't do that with words. That night I couldn't sleep I was watching you. I knew that I didn't want to keep figuring out what we had, I was tired of walking on thin ice, I wanted you, I wanted us to be together, for real, and I decided that I was going to make that happen.
When you said that we could never be together it hurted. And suddenly all the weight that was my past fell onto me. I couldn't even blame you for thinking that I was just a fuckboy, I never tried to prove that reputation wrong, and for the first time I was suffering the consequences. But the way you kept kissing made me think that even if you didn't trust me completely, you still liked me, you wanted me to be there, with you. And all I wanted to do was to prove you that I could be everything you deserved. But of course, I started to do that in the sloppiest most cringy way possible, instead of just being myself. I tried to do what worked for other people, relying in other people's judgment instead of going with what I knew you would like. Suddenly I felt so insecure, like every other person knew you better that me, even though we had been together for almost four years. And I know that many people would say that we where never together, but for me, and I hope you feel the same, we were. I have grown with you, I have learn from my mistakes with you, I have shared things with you that I will never tell anybody else, and most important, I have learnt how to love with you, because I fell in love with you, so hard I couldn't even acknowledge it.
I know I have fucked it up so hard with you. Belive me. I regret what happened at that party every single day, and that's why I'm writting you, cause I want to let you know how I really feel about us, how much the time that we have spent together means to me. I have never been brave enough to tell you that I love you and that was something that I really needed to get out of my chest.
The last thing I want is to put any pressure on you, I just want to let you know how I feel, how I have felt all these years since I met you.
I would love to see you, I would love for us to talk, I want to know how you feel. The decision is yours, I would understand if you don't want to see me, but if you do please let me know.
I miss you so fucking much. I love you.
Christoffer
