midst of death

Chapter Ten

~Alex~

Tony and Chance walked in, just as Carrie finished eating almost half of our food supply. I wondered briefly why they left and where they were, but I tried to make myself forget the entire thing. I didn't want to know that they may have been talking about. Leaving, getting rid of Carrie, finding a quarantine, they could've been talking about anything. If they were leaving I preferred for them to leave in the middle of the night, than have them walk out on us when we saw them. I wouldn't be able to handle that.

They sat next to each other on the ratty couch, they're heads close together, whispering. I tried not to look at them, because I knew they had to be talking about leaving. I walked into the other room, and I slowly sunk down to the floor. Phyllicia had followed me and sat next to me. "What's wrong?" she signed.

My hands flew, trying to say it fast to get it over with. "I think that Chance and Tony are going to leave, but they can't because we need them."

 She looked thoughtful for a moment, and signed back slowly, "Well, if they want or need to leave, we should let them. We can't make them stay with us, it's their decision."

"I know it's their decision, but..." I trailed off. Phyllicia glanced at me and knew that something was wrong. 

"What's wrong, sis?" she signed.

I sighed as I signed what was wrong. "I'm beginning to think that I still have feelings for Chance."

She looked not in the least bit surprised. "Well, I could've told you that."

"What do you mean?" The best part about signing is that it was silent, so there was no way that they would hear what we were talking about.

"I see the way you still look at him. It's the same look that you had in school looking at him. But he probably still has no clue, or can't even recognize those feelings anymore."

She had a point. Living like this makes you think more differently than you would ever have guessed. "I don't know what to do though."

She looked at me helplessly. "I don't either."

I was silent for a moment, and I stared ahead of me blankly. I hated trying to figure these things out. After quite a bit of thinking, I finally decided what I was going to do.

I was going to ignore Chance.

As much as it hurt to even think about, I couldn't be around him knowing what I felt. I wouldn't be able to think, wouldn't be able to function. I'd be too afraid that I'd lose him, which I already knew that it was too late for any of this. I was already terrified that this life would take him away from me. This isn't fair! I screamed in my head. Never in this life did I expect to fall in love with the same boy again, and in two totally different environments. I shook my head, trying to figure out why life hated me so much. Actually, it hated everyone right now, but I shoved that thought out of my head.

Phyllicia stood up after a while, and signed, "I'll be with Carrie. Come back in when you're ready." She left silently, and I was left there to think.

I honestly didn't know if I was going to be able to ignore Chance though. I cringed just at the thought of it. I was already needing to be with him, to have another person in my life that I knew would protect me. Guys had a weird protective nature that we, I, needed right now. I didn't think that I would last much longer, I needed to break down every once in a while, like I did today, and I wanted someone that would hold me like he did. 

I was still sitting on the floor when Tony walked in on me sulking. I turned my head the other way, knowing he would probably try to figure put what was going on. He sat down next to me and laid his head against the wall. "What's up?" he asked, his eyes drooping shut.

"Nothing much, wallowing in pity for the world."

"Oh, that's cool," he mumbled, and drifted off to sleep. I stared at him in disbelief. He was wide awake just minutes ago. I shook my head, and stood up. I laid him down on the floor and grabbed an old sweater and balled it up and laid it under his head. Might as well sleep as comfortably as he could. I walked into the room he came out of and found Chance passed out on the couch, Phyllicia was sitting on the floor asleep, and Carrie was face down on the bed. She was asleep too, her breathing deep and regular. I laid my hand on my machete, which was still attached to my hip, and tried to make it to the door without waking any of them up. That didn't work out as planned, I thought to myself as my leg rammed into the couch. I caught my breath, hoping I didn't wake Chance.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I stood absolutely still. I slowly opened them, and glanced at Chance through my eyelids. He seemed fast asleep, so I quickly dashed out the door. I sped down the steps, and ran up the road, hoping to find a place that was quiet and secluded, but not totally torn apart by zombies. Eventually I found an old playground, and I carefully climbed to the top of the slide. It was at least twelve feet off the ground, and it was beginning to rust. I sat on the top, and curled my legs up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them while wishing a zombie would wander out so I could take out this feeling on it. I felt so weak and pathetic, and I wanted, needed, to get this feeling out of my body, heart, and mind. 

Just as if someone had heard my thoughts, a young zombie came out of the bushes. You could still very easily see that it had been a male, before he turned. It had glassy. ice blue eyes, which was the number one characteristic I looked for when deciding if the person is a zombie or not. It had a torn, dark green flannel shirt on, with ripped up jeans and holey hiking boots. I smiled wryly, and slid down the slide carefully so I didn't cut myself. When I landed on my feet, I whipped my blade and twirled it around in my hand. "Hello, bitch." I muttered. "Do you want to die now?"

It seemed to cock its head at me, opened its jaws and let out a rumbling, gravely moan.

"Oh, shut up." I yelled at it.

I ran full speed ahead, and swung my machete at his throat. It connected before it could try to even rip my throat out. I had severed the windpipe and the jugular, so he quickly bled to death. He fell to the ground, and I stood over him with a grim satisfaction that wasn't quite quenched. I watched the blood slowly empty out of his neck until I heard rustling in the bush behind me. I whirled around only to find Chance leaning against a tree, watching me. For all I knew, he'd watched that entire episode. I felt the anger pour back into my body, heating it like liquid fire. I came here to clear my head, and it was all for nothing. I turned my head back to the dead zombie.

Chance spoke quietly. "Are you okay?"

The question aggravated me even more than I already was, and I was fuming so I didn't answer. 

He tried again. "Are you okay, Alex?" Damn, that boy was persistent, but hearing my name come out of his mouth melted some of my resolve.

"Almost." I responded blankly.

I could hear him walking closer to me. I gripped the machete tighter in my hand.

Now he was standing right next to me. "You could've been killed, and we wouldn't have known where to look for you." 

That statement weakened my barriers slightly again. "You seemed to know perfectly well where I was," I replied.

"Only because I heard you yell."

He looked at me, and before I could register what was going on, his mouth was on mine. My mind went blank, and for a moment I let myself give in to the wonderful sensation that was fluttering around my body. Finally I came back to my senses, and I put my hands on his chest, and began to push him away. He looked hurt, but I looked at him sternly. "Never again," I said plainly and slowly, not knowing what was going through my head right now. My machete had fell out of my hand, so I leaned over and picked it up.

Then I walked away and left him there in the playground.