Finding Home

Chapter 11

Rebecca turned her gaze from the blankets on my bed to meet my eyes. I could see sadness filling them, my heart broke for her. She moved her eyes briefly over to my window before looking back at me.

"Josh died only a few short weeks after we found out." A deadly silence filled the space. My mind felt frozen, worse than when I'd drink a milkshake too fast. I couldn't think of what to say. The silence grew larger, enveloping the room until finally I spoke, the first thing that came to mind.

"Rebecca, I'm so sorry." I had no idea what else I could say. I couldn't imagine what she'd been through. The feelings she been forced to face, the events she'd had to witness. It was beyond any of my worst nightmares.

I'd never had a sibling and have been okay with that. Mama has always had enough to deal with, too much. Two kids would have been like asking for an ice cream cone on a warm sunny day during one of Mama's unemployment patches, simply out of the question. The closest thing I'd had to a sister was AJ, and the thought of her gone, shattered me. I couldn't imagine how Rebecca felt with her brother actually gone. How does someone carry on?

I was drawn for my thoughts by a faint chuckling. My thoughts must have been easily displayed on my face because Rebecca and Meredith we're practically bubbling with laughter. Stifling a giggle, Rebecca spoke shakingly, "It's alright Anna, really, it's been a long time. Josh is easier to talk about, more than Dad. It's hard to explain why. I guess it's because he's gone, truly gone, but Dad, he's still here, I might get to see him someday. That makes it harder to talk about him I guess. I've also had some time to learn how to understand and, well, cope with what happened. It took me weeks, months before I talk to anyone. Everything hurt so much. Only a year later was I able to think about it clearly. I had to tell the story to dozens of people, I'm, unfortunately, used to it now." I was still stunned. Rebecca acknowledged my still dumbfounded expression, " don't get me wrong Anna, it wasn't easy, I broke down. I isolated myself from everything, everyone, but I eventually broke through that hard wall that was blocking me and it got easier. I needed a small shred of hope and, miraculously I found it. I worked hard and got better." She paused and offered a small smile, "Plus I wasn't alone, there were people all around me who were willing to help." She and Meredith exchanged a glance, and she continued "And we're here to help you Anna." Rebecca looked over to Meredith, "Yes, we, and everyone here are really all there for one another. Foster kids are really like a huge family, even people like Jamal understand a little what you're going through, we all do. That's partly why it's so nice to live here, it isn't the nicest living situations, but there is support everywhere you turn. Some of us are in better spots than others and that's okay because we can help. We are here." She grinned and suddenly the mood of the room seem to change drastically. When I'd woken up this morning, it had all felt so gloomy and stormy to me, but now, some of the grey clouds had parted and they'd left in their place the soft light of sun trying to peek out. It wasn't much, but it was something.

I'd always felt a little bit different from everyone else, but not so much I felt like an outsider. I believed I was normal, that what was happening to me was something everyone went through. I took it as something that was a part of life, something I just had to face. It had never occured to me that what I was going through was something really bad. Being here and realizing why people like Rebecca are also here, I began to wonder and question if what was happening to me and who I was wasn't normal. Could it be? All my life I'd never seen Mama anything but someone trying to do her best for the one thing in her life she loved, but maybe I was wrong. Was she trying her best at all? Was I the only thing she loved? Did she love me at all?

I looked up, suddenly brought away from my twisting thoughts. Meredith has sprung up suddenly. Both Rebecca and I turned to her in surprise, "What's going on?" Rebecca asked, puzzled. Meredith tapped her watching response, "Lunch," she explained, "It's almost over." Almost simultaneously, Rebecca and I bounced off the bed. Smiling we all hurried out of the door, our stomachs roaring with hunger. As I turned back to close the door after them. I felt a small weight I'd been caring disappear, it seemed to have been left in the room, no longer needing me to tend to it. It's still didn't feel like enough, but a small part of me felt free, or somehow freer. I can't explain it. Knowing that my situation was not what I'd always believed it to be felt lighter. I felt not as heavy, like what I was barring was not easy, but it was going to be okay. For the first time I saw everything I'd experienced and thought, differently. It felt better.