I was a good girl, went to school, did my homework. Everything changed. And everything is constantly changing. When your in foster care, nothing is permanent. Your being bounced around all the time, sometimes i dont even know where im sleeping at night. But like any other normal girl, i dream. I dream of a life with my father, a fun, stress free life. It seems as if dreams never come true. Only nightmares do. There is this demon eating me up inside and i dont know how to get it out. It tells me to do immoral things. It tells me to slice me skin, this dark voice, this demon, it just wont leave me alone. It follows me wherever i go. Just constantly screaming things in my ear.
"Alexus, you'll never be good enough. Your mom doesn't even want you, you fuck up"
"Are you still crying? you pathetic little fat bitch. Go cut yourself some more, make yourself uglier than you already are"
"Are you seriously going to eat that? dont you know how many fucking calories are in that? You fat whale. All you do is eat. Starve, fat girls like you dont deserve food." this is what i hear on a daily basis. It just wont leave me alone. Just go away! i mean, dont get me wrong, i believe every single word this monster is saying, but i still dont need to be reminded of all my imperfections every single day of my dreadful life. My cuts get deeper, my mind goes numb and my heart grows cold. Day by day i just sit through my shitty classes, praying i get hit by a car on the way to meet my driver. Who knows, my dad may not even want me! Who would, I'm just a fat, gross, ugly, fuck up that doesn't deserve to live. Im deteriorating, I'm broken. I cant be fixed, even by my best friend. I just want to end this stupid excuse of a life and be happy in hell.
