Chaos

Chapter 1

Brooke P.O.V:

I stare up at the ceiling fan,  watching it whir round and round and round.  Its dull but at the same time I can't seem to be able to pull my eyes away.  Its captivating in its own way.

It's what, five am now?  I'm not sure.  I've been in my bed since 9 PM but haven't slept a wink. My mind's numb. Empty even. My eyes ache with sleep and I can feel my entire body buzzing with that weird feeling.  The weird whirring underneath my skin that doesn't go away on these nights.

I look at the fan.  Maybe I closed my eyes once or twice I can't remember. Maybe I shifted around to get more comfortable.  I'm not sure.

Wait I must have shifted around. I'm staring at the floor now. You can make out the colour now because the room slowly growing brighter as the sun rises. I watch. I watch as sunlight fills my room and lights up the floor. 

A noise suddenly comes to my ears.  What's that? 

Oh, the alarm.

School.

I don't have a problem with school.  I like it. I don't have a problem with waking up early either.

I have a problem with getting out of bed. 

Maybe it's laziness. 

I stare at my foot that's hanging off the bed and will my muscles to move.  To stretch to do something. 

It's so hard.

It's a war inside my body. It shouldn't take so much energy. I'm young.  I should be bouncing up and around. 

Yet I can't move a finger. 

It happens slowly though.  Just like every other day. My willpower wins.  I manage to get out if bed and as soon as my feet hit the ground I feel light. Like the weight of the world has rolled off slightly.

It shouldn't be like this though. I shouldn't have to force myself and prepare myself for doing simple tasks.  Yet that was how my life worked. 

The hour passes in a daze.  Getting dressed,  making my hair.  My bands just move around doing the regular tasks, the feeling of fatigue replaced with numbness.

My feet move down the stairs to the kitchen. The twins sit there in their own uniforms, their fifth grade math homework spread in front if them as dad helped them. 

I watch them for a while. They're so young. So naive. Not knowing what's ahead if them. Thinking teenager  life is the coolest thing ever because of  social  and 'teenager privileges'.

Just like I used to think. 

I join the breakfast table. 

Everyone's talking.

Dad's telling me a story. I chuckle at the good parts and wack my brother in the back when he chokes on a orange. I put the dishes in the sink and run away from my mom before she can grab my face with her wet hands and kiss me like she always does.

I'm smiling.

I'm OK.

I'm walking down the stairs to get to my friends apartment on the first floor. 

I look at the sky. Its so blue. So cheerful. 

I'm living a normal,  well privileged life. I've got no reason to feel like this. And right now I'm okay.

I'm okay.

But it's there. The darkness and the void's been pushed to the back of my mind now. I have a day to live through. It can't distract me completely. But it's still there.

It'll always be there to haunt me. Because depression doesn't give you a break it fucking drowns you.