Broken

Im broken

I let my friends slowly drift away.
I laugh and I laugh and I laugh.
"I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine"
The constant lie.
The fear.
That nothing will get better. That I'm  getting to good,
           Good and pretending things are ok.
    The fear that I'll never stop being sad and empty.
   That I'll always be a stranger, that I'll never be me.
I'm slowly dying and no one sees it, I'm hurting and no one sees. I shouldn't have to say I'm not ok for people to see what's behind my smile.
To see how fucked up I am.
To see that I need help.
I'm crying and screaming but in the inside.
It builds up and up and up.
Then I snap and break.
I crumble and fall.
I scream and cry but quietly because even tho I'm begging for someone to see that I'm not ok, I don't want them to know.
All the questions and are you ok's and trying to figure out what's wrong.
When it's nothing it's just how I feel and I can't help that.
The tears of others when they see I'm not ok.
The pain, the pain from them because for me.
I just wanna be ok but without all the bullshit.
Without the pain and the questions.
The same questions over and over again.
People say I wanna die.
But no I don't I just wanna be ok.

See I'm fucked! This is what goes through my head twenty times a day. It flys in and out, in and out. Again and again. So who is this extremely damaged person you may ask? well it's Rachel Lee Smith the most fucked up person of them all.  You may just think I'm a silly teen going through teen emotions but I have problems that eat away at me, like maggots eating dead skin.

So strap yourself in because this is a rollercoaster I call life and I'm going to tell you the whole story. Bit but bit. Every horrible moment I call memory's. Every laugh, every cry, every broken bone and broken heart.