Saudade

Chapter 1

Even the most
beautiful
of the stars
are taken
for granted
night after
night.

~ Veronika Jensen

Matthew stared at her speechless, unwilling to grasp what she just said. He took a deep breath and shook his head as his gaze sought the tiled floor of Reba's home.

Reba instantly regretted her words and hated herself for causing the man in front of her what she could imagine an astounding amount of pain. She wished she had the gall to tell him that she was hurting too, but what good would it do? She said what said, and her stubborn streak was reminding her that she should finish through what she started, no matter how painful it was.

"Matt, I'm sorry. I--"

Matthew lifted his right hand to stop Reba from explaining herself. He looked at her and gave her a sad smile, trying his best to control the brimming tears that was impairing his vision. He used the same hand and subtly rubbed his eyes. He's an honest man, but he'd be damned if he let the woman in front if him see him cry. More than anything, he was afraid she would think he was a pathetic old fool who couldn't accept a woman's decision like a grown man. Or worst, she would pity him, and then what? Take him back?

You deserved better.

"It's okay, Reba. I understand,"

"No, it's not like--I mean, I'm telling you--"

Matt took a step forward and embraced the redhead with such force and longing. He was still with her, but he missed her already. He had a strong feeling it would be the last time he'd see her.

"It's okay," he said as he kissed the top of Reba's head. He wasn't completely sure if his words of reassurance were for Reba or for him. It had been some time since his heart had been broken. He honestly thought he would never feel this way again. But life as we know it, was always full of twists and turns.

He could feel Reba's tears soaking his shirt, though she didn't make any sound.

Matt took a deep breath, his chin resting on top of the singer's head. The six foot four Irish American man continued to hug Reba as he gently rubbed the redhead's back. "I get that you need sometime to figure things out," Matt spoke, fighting the lump that formed in his throat. "Something is troubling you. I have an idea what it is, but I don't want to admit it to myself--not yet anyway. I love you, Reba," he whispered sincerely. "I want to see you happy even if it means it's the end for us," Matthew added quietly, trying his might to keep himself together.

"I'm sorry," Reba said, her voice muffled as she held on to Matthew, embracing him with all her strength. She knew it must have been her tenth sorry, but she was sure her words weren't enough and would never be enough.

She was so conflicted. She knew that she loved Matthew, the man who unexpectedly entered her life when she visited an old pal of hers in a small town in Maine. It was nearly sappy, something she really hated being, how she once admitted that it was--maybe--love at first sight when she met the retired Nat Geo photographer. She thought it was a silly thought, especially for a woman of her age and not to mention, level of education. But she didn't need to remind herself again of all the sappy notion she had over Matt. She didn't need to rehash all about it--them, especially when she possibly had made her biggest mistake so far by choosing to let go of the kind man who brought back some light to her old beaten heart.

It's done, Reba Nell. You have made your bed. Get it together! Of course it's going to hurt, but...

Narvel needed her.

She despised herself for not being able to stay firm and grounded. In her defense, Gloria came to her and asked for her help. Reba knew she could help her ex and still be with Matthew--nothing would be an issue.

Matt was one of the kindest, most understanding person she'd ever met. She explained to him what happened and he, as she had expected, backed her up and supported her decisions all the way through.

However, as a consequence of her choices, she'd been spending a lot of time with Narvel lately, and lesser time with Matthew, especially since the latter lived several states away from Reba. After a few weeks of catering to Narvel's needs, albeit just as a friend, Reba found herself thinking she was his partner again--that nothing had changed and the last 3 years were actually just an extremely long nightmare. The last three decades of her and their life together kept flashing in her mind.

What if she had a chance to fix her and Narvel? Her mind kept reminding her that she didn't want the divorce to begin with. Narvel was back. What should she do? She knew in her heart that she still had feelings for her ex-husband. But what kind of feelings? Was she still in love with him? Or was she only longing for the memories they shared? After all, twenty six years of marriage was a long time. Completely letting go didn't seem feasible even though it had been three years since their divorce was finalized.

Narvel, noticed the changes in Reba, but decided not to say anything--it was like the Reba he knew back in the 90s was back, all attentive and caring to him. He knew he had royally screwed up, but if there was one thing he could always count on, it was Reba's kindness. He didn't want to admit to himself that he was painfully taking advantage of his ex-wife's selflessness, especially knowing that the singer was already seeing someone else. But a nagging idea had hit him: what if he could win her back? He won her the first time when the singer was still with Charlie, although Reba's relationship with the cowboy was already on the rocks then, but still, who's to say Narvel couldn't steal Reba from another man again? He had discovered he missed her terribly and that's when he ascertained that he wanted to repair the bridge that was burned when he made a mistake three years ago.

---

Matthew pulled away from Reba. His hands reached up to her face as his thumb brushed the tears that bathed her cheeks. Reba's eyes remained shut as so many memories of her and Matthew ran through her head. Was she really giving him up? She had a strong feeling in her gut that she would regret her decision either way.

Matt leaned down and kissed her forehead. "I love you, Reba. Please don't forget that," he muttered quietly, and gently kissed the redhead's lips. Her lips didn't respond, just as he expected, but the sting it caused broke him even more.

Reba, do not give him up! You can still tell him to stay and tell him you are choosing him!

Reba remained quiet and Matthew took that as the final sign. He let go of her face, but then reached for her hands and softly squeezed them. Reba remained motionless, her gaze fixed on the floor.

With a heavy heart, Matthew stepped away from Reba and made his way to the door.