i am bisexual. or more pansexual. not THAT of a big deal. I know. but I wanna talk about it. I like girls. and boys. and everyone in between.
I always did, but I never realised.
until one night (I was maybe 13?) I started googling "sexualities", because I was curious. I always knew I wasn't "normal". I always felt this weird connection to the LGBTQ community but I never knew why. I even told my friends "ugh I wanna be gay, that would be way easier." I know this sounds sooo stupid. you can't choose your sexuality. but I think that was a hint I send them without even realising it. anyway.
when I googled different sexualities I saw the word bisexual and looked for the definition..
bisexual |bʌɪˈsɛkʃʊəl|
adjective
1 sexually attracted to both men and women.
2 Biology having characteristics of both sexes.
noun
a person who is sexually attracted to both men and women.
and I thought of the time where I kissed a girl, realised that I liked it. thought of all the times I focused on girls, how much I'd touch them. how I appreciated them. how I liked them.
I was like "damn.. I guess I'm bi." but it felt like it wasn't really it.. or not enough(?), so I continued looking for sexualities... and saw this thing called pansexuality.
pansexual |panˈsɛkʃʊəl|
adjective
not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.
noun
a pansexual person.
and I thought "is this it? is this my sexuality? am I pansexual?". when I realised that I am pan.. I think I started smiling. because I finally knew who I am. It felt right but I also thought that I could not call myself pansexual until I have a "proof". so I was confused..
I still am tbh.. but because I feel like.. pansexuality is a thing that includes being bi. idk if yk what I mean..
I was happy that I finally knew why I felt this strong connection to the LGBTQ community and that I finally have something that describes me and fits to me.
I told my friends a long time after I realised it. but not because I thought they wouldn't like me anymore or something like that, I just waited. probably to make sure that my feelings don't change.
when I told them they were pretty chill, asked me a little bit about it and then nothing changed. just the thing that I felt more relieved. not fully.. but more.
I never told my parents.. everyone knows... except my family. even my teacher. I feel bad. I am sorry.
well... I kinda told ma mom that I am pan.. but I think she didn't really realised that. I told her that I already loved my (trans) boyfriend before his transition. but.. idk if she understood that.
and my dad.. I actually don't know how he would react. I want them to know but I'm also pretty scared. I watched some videos about how bi/pan people come out to their family and I just started crying because I want to feel the full relief they felt.
I'm not ashamed. hell no. I'm proud to be pansexual. I love it. I would never change that. I love the feeling that I am able to appreciate and love every human being, no matter what their gender, gender identity or sexuality is. no matter who they are.
im not shaming other sexualities don't get me wrong. I'm just appreciating my sexuality.. because I'm confident with it. Because I'm proud of it.
and I want everyone else do be proud of their sexuality too. or not just your sexuality. be proud of yourself in general. you're beautiful the way you are.
of course we can always get better but that doesn't mean we're not good enough.
18/02/25 2:40am
