faith; what i need to go on

Struggling to Breathe

"So, she wants you to have faith?" He said, looming over me. It makes me uncomfortable.

I nod, ignoring the feeling. Why do I need to anyways? I'm perfectly fine.

As if he was reading my mind, he questions me with the usual, "Are you fine?"

I open my mouth, ready to snap back, but nothing is said. Am I? I sputter out some babbles, like a baby. "Well, don't you know? You are "God". Shouldn't you have some sort of an idea?"

Smiling he states, "me to know, and you to find out." I huffed.

"That's the thing... I don't know where to start. Help a girl out?" His laugh was explosive, it shook my chair. Birds flew past, the night sky twinkled. I sighed shakily, feeling my wrists start to quiver and my eyes allowing the tears to fall. I curl closer and closer inside myself, ignoring his stares.

"You're struggling."

"Damn, I can't hide it from anything anymore." He changes the room. 

My chair is gone. I'm in the sun. No more night-time. He's gone too. I stand, my sweater changed to a tank top. My leggings are now shorts. No shoes or socks. My feet are in the bare sand. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and look out, I'm at the beach.

"Comfortable?" His voice, disembodied. I run to the shore. But it keeps retreating, I can't reach the water. "Feel the sand, feel the warmth."

The sand, although just being underwater, was dry. "This doesn't make sense," I shouted at no-one. Yet, I still took the time to feel my toes under the sand, dig them under. 

"Don't think about what makes sense, just give yourself this moment. Be mindful." He appears. 

I snort. "Mindful? Tell me something I shouldn't do." Aside from my snappy comment, I sit down, the warmth from the sun hugging my backside. My skin starts to color crimson, but I don't feel pain.

"Would you want to swim? To cool off your skin?" God questions. I look up from watching the crabs crawl under the sand. He looks down and with a swipe of a hand I'm in a bathing suit. 

"You're just showing off now, kid." I smirk and he smiles. 

"That's all I want you to do, smile more," he pats my head. "Now, a swim?"

I look around. No one around, no one to see. No one to judge. No one to see—

"Stop thinking. Just.. trust yourself." Once again, a swipe with his hand and I'm sitting in the middle of the ocean, but still in the sand. 

I glance to my sides, confused. "What the shi—" 

Around me, walls of ocean water continue to hold their daily lives. Fish are swimming around like this was normal. Sharks not even giving me a sideways glare. I was looking into an aquarium, except, I was the one out of place. As always. I shook my head, as to get rid of that thought. I gather the strength to pick myself up. Holding in my breath, I step forward. The water pushes back, as if it were afraid of my touch. I reluctantly hold out my still quivering hand, and the water freezes. 

God watches, curiously. "What are you going to do, Kathryn? Don't be anxious."

I listen to every word, every syllable. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? 

What am I going to do?

I lunge myself at the water wall. And for seconds I feel free. Seconds pass, and my body needs to breathe. I need to breathe. I watch the fish swim past, not caring. They're breathing; why should they care if I am or not? God does nothing. 

I open my mouth and try to swim, to save myself. Water rushes into my lungs like waves crashing during a storm. 

No one to watch me drown.