Vulture Song

I screeched like a vulture and scraped my feet on the shag carpet beneath me. Standing in the doorway was my butler, showing concern for my state. I imagined that to him I seemed a madman, but that is simply not true. He cannot understand. He can never understand that I was more sane than I ever was or ever could be. The sound resonated in the walls. When I took a break from the screeching the sound of Chinese filled my ears. Was that Francois speaking such a language? I did not understand why he would act so, especially seeing as how he does not speak Chinese. It did not matter to me, though. Not understanding no longer mattered. I did not need to ask any more questions. I continued to screech, this time I made my best attempt to emulate the sound of a Tyrannosaurus Rex, or perhaps what I thought a T-Rex would sound like. I could feel my vocal cords vibrate in my throat. As I went up and down in pitch, I felt them stretch and condense. I was aware of every function of my body. I felt the inside of my veins. They felt strange. I wondered why I needed veins. They are but a hindrance. It did not matter, though. No more questions. The only thing that kept me from ripping my veins from my skin was the small sliver of the burdensome sense of logic that still attempted to scream over the wondrous noise and clamor in my brain. It was like a party! And my logic was trying to stop the party. I felt hoarse.

"Is everything quite alright sir?" Francois said, and at the same time did not say, as it was in the screeching language of the vulture that I had been using before. I had not known that I was speaking a language as I screamed, but it was made clear to me that I was, and for some incomprehensible reason, I could understand and speak it. I screeched back at him, "I'm doing QUITE ALRIGHT MY FAITHFUL BUTLER." I felt so fine that I began laughing in the vulture language. It was a strange, throaty, cackling sound. Suddenly Francois began to look afraid. Why was he afraid? Perhaps he was afraid that he could not usurp my place because of my state. He must have thought I was insane and he could usurp my place. Anger began to grow within me. I needed no more of this provincial life.

And then it dawned on me. I could speak vulture. Perhaps I could do all the other things that vultures can do. At least, if I cannot do all the things a vulture can do, I can certainly do all the things a T-rex could do, because I spoke T-rex and had a much similar build to that creature. Thus I ventured to experiment. What harm could be done to me? If I had the properties of a vulture, I could fly away when I jumped out the window. But if not, I would have the properties of a T-rex to protect me from the fall. I suddenly dashed towards the window. Out I crashed. I was flying! I suddenly realized, however, that I was flying in the wrong direction, and I had little control over which direction I could fly. I also realized that I did not have great T-rex legs, nor a gaping maw like a T-rex.

And then it dawned on me.

I was neither a vulture nor a T-rex, but a man.

PASH

I fell face first into the lake outside my window. Water flew up my nostrils. The whirling of bubbles and water in my ears sounded like oceanic laughter.