Words

Take one

First person

Breathe in... breathe out come on you can do it. Just do it, I glide my hand reaching for the button violently shaking. Fingers lingering on top of it pressing play.

'Uh-Um hello to whoever's watching this,' nervousness creeping as the ghost comes back to haunt. I was too afraid to make eye contact with the camera,..judgement kept eating meddling away in my mind. (No one would want to remember me after I disappear.) 'Oh... I'm sorry I tend to blank out constantly,'I whispered . I've never done this like expressing myself it's harder than I thought.

'Well my name is Tanda meaning the seer of life and death which I find ironic,' I said secretly whipping the nonexistent sweat. 'Anyways I'm 17 years old nearly legal HURRAY, born and raised in the UK,' raising my voice clearly.

Drawing back my eyes to the camera, a burst of confidence made me to believe in myself just one second is enough. 'Well back to the point the purpose for this video, wait let me think...oh yes it was to figure out what life is to me anymore.'

I could feel tears pouring, the flood gates have realised again. I quickly wiped away the evidence gradually sinking into my chair as it consumes me. 'I'm sorry for being pitiful weakling that brings anyone down in the depths of hell.'

'Haha... I can't do anything right like talking to camera. The irony is hilarious I know right, it's comic relief for you I bet.' (Rambling as always just get to the point Tanda, repetition after repetition continuously.)

I suddenly became silent, I'm worthless. I can't do anything right isn't it Tanda.
'Haha ha ... I forgot crying allows me to know that I still exist' my voice became hoarse. 'Let's continue, my apologise again, I only have one younger brother who's named Tadiwa,' I whispered.

'Mother and father are still together however we've been through a lot,' deepening my voice. Sighing as I reminisced on the past it all started when I was in 8 years old. I quietly said, 'Wait before I begin my family was normal and through these diary entries I guess we were more happy.'

See scratching my wrists has been a habit when I become anxious. It like an addiction without it the withdrawal affect becomes chaotic.

Anyways I don't remember the exact day it was but it was when my dad came to pick me up from school. Something was off, there were no the usual how was your day chicken or hugs. Don't get me wrong as a child I could understand when something was out of place.

See my father was a man I looked up to, my best friend. The typical daddy's girl.... we were inseparable. He lost his spark that day when driving back home. It scared me however I talked to cheer me up even with no response. 'BE QUITE TANDA!' he yelled. My body tensed I felt like crying. Thinking stupid stupid girl you can't even make daddy smile.

That's when it all started the thoughts but I will explain it in videos maybe. Arriving home I rushed to the door, avoiding father as much as possible. He slowly walked over and kneeled I could hear a sigh as he hugged me and whispered 'I'm sorry Tanda daddy's just been going through some stuff, I love you.'

Ever since I was a child, crying in front of people I thought was weak whether it was falling or getting hurt. I remember hugging back saying ' daddy I love you too, I understand.' However I thought you need to be strong,grow up and stop holding everyone back. I'm so worthless and this has stuck with me for nine years isn't that ironic.

Anyways after we had our moment, we entered scanning the house brought a smile to my face. Full of vibrant colours ranging from white to green, this was home for me.

I ran to the living room and searching for mummy giving the biggest hug ever.

Unfortunately she didn't hide back, glancing up her eyes seemed void for a moment. Before realising,returning a hug saying, 'Hi Tanda, you scared me you monster'. See my mum liked to exaggerate a lot, she was the one I could talk to about anything whether big or small. I remember telling her my day but she was less responsive but I didn't notice then.

'Looking back now the signs were plainly obvious.'

The sound of running could be heard and it was Tadiwa aka little mucker. We hugged and playfully wrestled until daddy came in giving me a stern look. Wondering why my dumb self forgot to get changed. Oopsie daisy I thought. I ran as fast as I could getting ready.

Um I remember it was tracksuit bottom and... a sweater shirt I had the tom boy stage which was awesome. Compared to now it's been on a down low like they're so comfortable. Haha feeling the corners of my moth rising up.

Let's get back to this confession.. I guess um where was I getting changed, I don't recall much so stay with me, later in the day we ate dinner in the kitchen as usual. However there was a subtle bit of tension between my parents but I stayed quite. From mum glancing at the cabinet from time to time, to dad staring at mum. I might've been clever then but I couldn't analyse the emotions from my perspective of people's face.

'Okay shut up you... haha I could see anger or happiness it's more towards indifference.'

Since I'm future me I realised it was worry but what was he worrying about. Till this day I can't explain or understand it myself.

My brother and I said thank you to mum out of appreciation. We decided that we'll play with blocks see we were close with a difference of 3 years.

Wiping the snort and tears with my baggy black hoodie I decided enough was enough I should accept fate as it is.

Ha... Ha... HAHHA' my voice cracked. Fiddling with my fingers I have homework so I'll end this video. Avoiding eye contact with lens, unable to handle pressure I press the button.

Breathe in breathe out Tanda repetition after repetition. Rising up from the chair I collect the camera staring at it tensely. My fingers squeezing it as if it was my heart been compressed on the verge of shattering.

I recollect myself placing it back underneath where it belonged. Opening and entering my blanket, I hugged my teddy bear called rose. Softly whispering you understand me don't you, the last thing I remember was crying myself to sleep not prepared for another day of misery.

Authors Note: Major editing