It's been a month and a half since my last period. This can't be a surprise though, right? When I think of how it could have happened I think of that night in Amsterdam with... Gus. Even thinking his name brings a pain to my chest. Not the whole 'crappy lungs just not functioning cause of my stupid cancer' more of the 'I lost the love of my life' pain.
I take a deep breath. Well, as much as a person with crap lungs can take. It's not for sure and there is only one way to find out. I wash my hands at the bathroom sink as I take a look at my reflection in the mirror. When I first met Augustus Waters her referred to me that I looked like Natalie Portman in her pixie cut era. I look nothing like that now. I'm pale and my cheeks are puffy thanks to the Phalaxinfor. I adjust the nubbins in my nose and take another shuddering breath.
The one person I wanted to talk to about all the crap that's going is Ausgustus Waters. Gus is no longer suffering from person-hood.
My reflection's eyes start to pool with tears. No. I shook my head, turned on the sink and splashed water onto my face. I can't. Not now. I need to know. For Gus. I grabbed a towel and took a swipe at my face. I walked out the bathroom with my oxygen tank in tow. I sat down on my bed and shoved my feet into my chuck taylors. I picked up my phone and sent a text to my friend Kaitlyn. Meet me at Walgreen's drug store 20mins. Will explain there. I picked up my purse and dragged my oxygen tank out my bedroom door.
I passed my parents who were both sitting at the kitchen table with their laptops in front of them.
"I'm going out with Kaitlyn. Be back in a couple of hours." I walked to the front door quickly so no questions would be asked. Of course, my parents had a grenade for a daughter so there would always be question. A chair screeched across the floor.
"Hold on." I stopped with my hand on the doorknob. I turned to face my mom.
"Are you okay Hazel?" My mom asked. I love my mom and I appreciated everything she's done for me but sometimes I need to do things on my own.
"I'm okay mom. I just need to get out for a bit." I said. Not a total lie. My mom touched my cheek and said quietly.
"You know you can talk to me about anything, right?" I nodded. I knew she was talking about Gus. It's been hard since he died. My mom hugged me tightly as if she would never see me again. It must suck to think you'll lose your child any day.
"It's only for a couple of hours mom." I said while patting her back. My mom stepped back and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek.
"I love love love you." She whispered. I smiled at the the sound of all those loves.
"And I you." I grabbed the car keys and walked out the door.
"Darling! How are you?" Kaitlyn took me by the shoulders and kissed me on each cheek.
"I'm holding up." I answered. "And you?" Kaitlyn tossed her long blonde hair over her shoulder.
"Bored with life darling. I need some excitement!" I sighed as best as I could.
"Well I believe I can help with that." I took her hand and led her into the drugstore.
"Oh my god!"
"SHHH!"
"Sorry."
"How long since your period?" Kaitlyn asked.
"A month and a half." Kaitlyn stood quietly in the aisle while I scanned the shelves for a pregnancy test I like.
"Did you ever think that maybe you're..."
"I'm what?" I looked at her. Kaitlyn shrugged her shoulders.
"Being paranoid?" That thought did come to mind... at first.
"No. I just have this feeling and I just want to make sure. If I'm not... you know then no harm no foul." I grabbed a blue box from the shelf and looked at Kaitlyn.
"Let's see then shall we?"
Kaitlyn and I leaned against the bathroom stall walls staring at the lone pregnancy test lying on the top of the toilet.
"So if you are pregnant it'd be..."
"Gus." I answered. "We did it in Amsterdam before he died." Kaitlyn nodded sadly.
"What are you going to do Hazel?" Kaitlyn whispered. The truth is I didn't think that far ahead. If I am pregnant that really scares me. Pregnant at 16? But then I was happy for some reason. Maybe it was because there could be a little person growing inside of me or maybe it was because there's still a part of Augustus Waters in the world. I didn't know. All I know right now is that I may or may not be pregnant.
"How long has it been?"
"Fifteen minutes. Guess we can check now." We both stared at the pregnancy test.
"I just want you to know Hazel.." I looked at my friend. Kaitlyn cleared her throat.
"I just want you to know that I will be here with you. Every step of the way." Kaitlyn took my hand. I never thought Kaitlyn I were close. Sure we had been friends when I was still in school and we hung out every now and then since I got diagnosed but in that moment I could truly say Kaitlyn was my friend.
"Thanks Kaitlyn." Kaitlyn smiled. I took another pathetic breath and picked up the test and held it in between me and Kaitlyn.
"Oh my god."
