Not once, not twice, but three times I have caught Jessica in our bedroom well after we had gone to bed and closed the door. This doesn't mean that there were not other times that I hadn't noticed. She has even crawled into our bed just to cuddle with my wife Kristie. This was becoming creepy and her tendencies were leaning towards stalking. Last night I was in what can only be described as a very peaceful, very deep slumber. I was dreaming of a goat that I was about to BBQ for the family. Only this goat smelled of a heavy French perfume. The suddenly began to speak with the voice of the late night stalker, Jessica.
Quickly my peaceful dream had become a nightmare straight from Elm Street. I tried to run away from the smelly goat, but it took chase and yelled "Lets take a selfie, lets take a selfie, lets take a selfie", sounding too much like Jessica! I just knew this had to be a dream and I tried hard to wake up, but to no avail. I ran left, I ran right and still the French smelling goat begged to take a selfie with it. While I knew it was wrong, I had no choice and needed to get out of this nightmare, I did what any sane man running away from the French goat would do....I ran head first into a tree in hopes of ending my suffering.
SUDDENLY I WAS AWAKE! My bedroom, as normal, was pitch black and cold. I was covered in sweat from the recent night terror. Once I began to calm down enough to return to my slumber, I noticed it....the smell! Immediately my heart began to race again. Could it be, could the French goat be in my room? It's just not possible; I mean it was a dream....right? I whispered "Jessica...Jessica" thinking she would answer as she has done in the past. Out of nowhere the pungent smell hit my nostrils and I noticed that the smell was coming from my left, where my wife sleeps. With my mind racing I could only assume that Jessica, the known midnight stalker, had made her way back into my room, killed my wife, covered herself in French perfume and slid into my bed thinking only God knows what would happen between us.
I was so terrified and after watching too many episode of the ID channel I knew the last thing you want to do is startle the crazy. But just to make sure all of this wasn't just in my head, I slowly leaned over to my left and took three sniffs. IT WASN'T IN MY HEAD, THE FRENCH SMELL WAS REAL!!! I quickly reached for my machete to avenge my wife's death, only to hear her ask "were you just smelling me"?
Aaaahhhh, I dropped the machete fending not to strike the smelly French goat and could only muster "umm, yeah.....I smelled perfume and thought it was...never mind...go back to sleep baby". Moral of the story.....Do not let Jessica spend excessive time around your family because one day your wife is going to come to bed with a new smelly lotion on and you may just end up on the ID channel for chopping her up with a machete!!!
