I'm fuming. The blind kind of rage. My body won't stop shaking. Eyes go in and out of focus. Emotion fills my throat, choking, suffocating. I can't catch a break. I wish for fresh, calm, cold air would fill my lungs releasing this fire burning within my soul. The rage, the anger completely overtakes me. I black out from standing so quickly. Anger turns to frustration. My eyes fill with tears. I'm so tired. Feeling these outrageous emotions for so long drains my whole entirety.
I'm crying. Hot tears stream down my face. Conflicting feelings of anger, hurt, frustration crawling all over my heart and mind. My mind goes to all the dark places I know I shouldn't venture too. It could always be worse, couldn't it? I struggle to get the air past the emotions taking up the space in my throat. It's been a week now. Shouldn't of this episode passed by now? I hold on to the last strand of hope that tomorrow will be better. I fall into the darkness.
I'm waking. The sun is shining today. Just not inside my soul. I'm numb and exhausted. The fight to get out of bed has become too much. Knowing I can't afford to skip again I push up myself with the little strength I have. I walk away from the tear stained pillow. Walk away from last night's depression only to come back to it later that day. I shower to wash off yesterday's hurting. I touch my throat able to breathe again. I go to class. No one can tell who I am at home. I paint a pretty picture for all my friends to see. I can be funny, loud, spontaneous. I'm always smiling. They'd never know how hard I'm hurting deep down.
I'm dreading. Knowing what is waiting for me at home when the sun goes down. The demon that keeps on killing me slowly. I try to accomplish my homework before my motivation slips away again. Once I've completed it, I'm done. Nothing left to do. I can't go anywhere with no car. The bitter cold keeps me locked up inside with the one thing I desperately need to escape. I try to stay positive, but my mind can be a dangerous place. I'm depressed. Sad. Tired. Confused. Frustrated. Every emotion under the sun. I'm mentally exhausted from the battle I keep on fighting. I don't want to lose but I don't want to keep fighting the same demon.
I'm breathing. I know it's not the end of the world. I know I'm having an episode. I know it's going to be okay. I wait for the chemical imbalance to correct itself. I try patience; it's my weakness. The emotions consume me again. The wheel keeps on spinning. Here we go again. I'm fuming.
