Hamster Wheel

The Beginning

Here I am, at this dreadful place again--The Fenstermacher-Kreuger Institute.  The name is a mouthful.  They should really change the name to something more peaceful; then maybe the place could sound more welcoming or something.  Through the front door I guess I'll go.  Literally right through it.  I have the power to do so, so I should.

Walking down these halls really brings back many memories.  The first time I walked--well when I was dragged-- through those doors I didn't think I would finish out my life here.  My sentence was only temporary.  I use the word temporary loosely though.  My sentence was long term, but I was still supposed to see the light beyond these "cheerful walls".

I walk through the lobby into the first class of the hospital.  Each section of the hospital has a letter. The sections host individuals based on their mental classifications.  For example, Section A is for those who need constant surveillance.  The people in that unit are suicidal because they have gone through some type of crisis or traumatizing event.  I continue walking down the halls until I reach Section F--I had been placed in Section F.  My unit was highly secured.  I was criminally insane so I wasn't allowed to have visitors or any contact with any of the other patients.  The caretakers were aware that I'd caused harm to many people in my life, so they weren't taking any chances.

I walk down the hall, through the gates of my old unit.  There's a line of doors.  Next to each door there are little boards with numbers on them.  I find my old room--Room 216.  I peek into the small glass window towards the top of the door.  There's no one in there.  It looks just as I had left it--well minus my lovely touches.  The room was bare like it had been upon my arrival.  There weren't any padded walls or anything.  I was insane, but I was not a lunatic. There's no way in Hell I was going to jump around hitting walls and such.  I never gave anyone the reason to sedate me or put me into a straitjacket.  Those things are not cute whatsoever.

I begin to hesitate going into the room.  I pace back and forth in the hall, my black thigh-high boots sound with my steps.  I turn and look at the door.  I sigh and realize there are still footsteps.  A guard is coming.  I run into the room.  It was a guard.  I look out the window as he passes and I duck as his head slightly turned in my direction.  Crouching on the floor I realize that there was no way that he could have seen me anyway:  I'm dead.

I get up and turn around.  I observe the room.  The walls are a basic tan color. Light comes through the tiny windows at the very top of the room. In the right corner of the room, there's a twin sized bed with white sheets and a thin, tan blanket.  There's a wooden desk with a small reading lamp across the room from the bed.  Another lamp is on the small table beside the bed.  There's a tall chest on the wall by the door.  I used to take the chair from the desk and move it to the middle of the room.  I used to sit there just staring when I was bored.  It provided a bit of entertainment for me because the guards believed that I was just a psychotic teenager who slips into mini-depressions.  Really, I just did it for dramatic effect.  I had to keep up my insanity of course.  It was sort of like playing a character in a movie.  This was my big break--my first big role.  That's what I used to tell myself.  While holding onto my insanity, this place made it very hard to hold onto my sanity.  I had no contact with any real people.  I use the term real just because I did talk to some people.  I talked to some of the guards.  I used to manipulate them.  I talked to one of the volunteers whenever he wasn’t busy.  I also talked with a psychiatrist on a regular basis.

I hated it here but I guess I deserved it.  I take that back.  I didn't deserve it.  I deserved much worse for all the things that I’d done.  I don't feel really guilty about any of it, but it was wrong.  I admit that everything that I did was wrong, but I did everything that i wanted to do.  Life's supposed to be fun. That's what I've always believed.  I lived to have fun. I stole. I lied.  I killed...all to have fun.