It's My Fault

Is it Rape?

"Oh no! Why am I doing this?", I thought to myself. My parents have always taught me to not get into a car with a stranger, but to be fair technically he's not a complete stranger. We had been talking online for over a year, and he's hung out with one of my closest friends. Luckily there's no time like the present so I might as well go for it. The car pulled up at the end of my driveway and I said goodbye to my Mom. She puts so much trust in me and it kind of hurts that I'm lying to her. I open the door of my house to go outside when a strong gust of wind hits me as I walk to the car. I had one more thought about how that was bad idea, but I've been working on getting more confident and this seemed like a good way to help prove that.
I opened the car door and I hear his voice for the first time, "Hey cutie".
I get in the car and take a seat, mistake number 1 of the night.
"Hey, thanks for picking me up", I said back.
"No sweat", he said with a smirk.
    The car ride back to his place wasn't as awkward as I thought it was going to be. We got to his place and just sat around for a little while. A lot of awkward small talk happened that night. To help ease the awkwardness he turned on the TV and we started watching the Office (U.S) on his bed. Mistake number 2 of the night.
    Things escalated pretty fast, and pretty soon this guy was on top of me. I'd try to move away, but I couldn't. "No dice", is what I thought, but the words couldn't come out of my mouth. Instead my mouth was then filled with his mouth instead of the words I wanted to say. I didn't kiss back I just laid their paralyzed. I didn't know what to do nor what I could do. In that moment I knew I didn't want to do anything, but it was too late because earlier it seemed like I wanted to. I had gotten myself into that position, so now I have to deal with the consequences.
    The one and only thing I didn't that night were the tears that almost fell off my face. He saw them and asked if I was okay and I just lied and said yes. After he did what he wanted to do we got back into his car and left so I could get back home before my Mom got suspicious. I checked my phone to make sure my mom didn't text me, luckily she didn't. You know what they say no news is good news. We walked out of his house and he grabbed my hand so we could hold hands. The car ride back wasn't bad, I just stared out the window.
I felt something grab my hand again and I looked down and saw it was his hand. He talked a lot and asked questions while I either gave small responses or sarcastic ones to make myself more comfortable. Throughout that whole night I laughed and said sarcastic things so I would feel more comfortable. He pulled up into my street and stopped the car, he kissed me and I then opened the car door as fast as I could.
"Thanks for the ride", I said as I quickly got out of the car.
"No problem", he said.
I ran inside and walked past my Mom and fake smiled like earlier that night. Everything was okay I thought as I walked past her. I went up into my room and thought, there's no way that it was his fault that I felt that way. It was my fault, and I couldn't blame it on anyone other than me. I asked for it, and got what I deserved.
I'm a little bit upset at him for some odd reason. I shouldn't be though I asked for it, I sent scandalous pictures so he obviously thought we were gonna do something. On the other hand he said we wouldn't do it. I'm more mad at myself because I told myself I wasn't gonna do it until I could love myself, but this is what happens when you're not ready I guess.
That night my head was spinning, I talked to a lot of my friends about what happened and they all keep telling me it's not my fault and it wasn't right for him to do it. I understand that he is 18 years old and that I am 3 years younger than him, but I put myself in that position. People might be asking, "Well why did you even want to get into the car?", and I'm not even sure. I wanted to prove him wrong that I would meet him, but I should've proved him right instead.
I went into my bathroom later that night and I turned on my fan, and ran the water. I stripped and got into the steaming hot water. I felt dirty all over, and I hoped the hot water would cleanse me. It didn't. I turned to another bad habit that I started doing again. I grabbed a pair of scissors and opened them wide. The way I was holding them was different than you would for cutting paper. Skin isn't paper, but you can still cut it.
I could blame this all on peer pressure, because I wanted to say no but my mouth wouldn't say the words. Instead I just had to fake it until it was over. I feel so violated and I need to let it out but nothing will come out. Instead I'm keeping it all bottled up inside me. It seems dumb and it might seem like I'm overreacting but everything he complimented me about makes me more and more self conscious about those things. Everytime I look in the mirror I see a person that I told myself I would never turn out to be. I'm disgusted with who I'm turning into and I hate myself for it.
It was a new day though, and I thought last night was a dream but it can't be. I didn't know I could feel worse than I did last night. The events from last night keep playing through my head and I can't stop them. Chills go through my body everytime I think about him or see his name pop up on my phone. I tried to drown out all my thought by being in a burning hot shower and blasting happy music, but nothing helps. I still feel dirty, hurt, betrayed, and violated. It pains and scares me to use the bathroom and wipe, and I don't think that's ever going to change. 
He texted me and asked if I missed him, but I couldn't bring myself to respond, because I am more scared of him than anything. I need to be mad at someone other than myself but I cannot for I am the reason I feel like this. No matter what anyone says I know that the reason of what happened last night was my fault and I accept that. I could have been the one to not gotten into the car, I could have been the one to have said no, but I didn't.
    Today I talked to my friends and they said I should stand up for myself and text him and say something. My heart wasn't beating like it would be if I was having an anxiety attack, instead it was beating slow and hard beats. There's no pain in my heart like there would be if it was an anxiety attack, instead the pain is in my stomach. It hurt to breathe, and my body wouldn't stop shaking. The fear of what he had to say back to me is scarier than the night it happened.
    (This is in the POV of Piper talking to him)
You're saying sorry, and acting like you would've stopped if you knew how I felt. I can't help but not believe you. You bring up points such as, how I never said to stop, how he asked if I "wanted it", but then he lied by saying he asked if I wanted to do it. He said he wasn't the only one on top, and I couldn't help but remember the fear that if I didn't go on top what you would do to me. You said you trusted me that I wouldn't say anything, but I trusted your word when you said we weren't gonna do anything. You keep telling me your a good guy but a "good guy" wouldn't even think about doing something like this with an underage girl. One person says that you're being sincere and you sound sincere but everyone else is telling me other.
Thinking about this, and talking about it with people I trust is hard. My mind is still spinning and it's getting harder and harder to fake how I'm doing. I'm glad I stood up for myself and took the advice my friends told me. I've come to realize he's not a good person and deserved to know how I felt.
I can't think of a good way to end this blog, but I do know a good way to start healing. I first need to understand that it's not all my fault, and I'm slowly accepting that. It's going to take a huge amount of time to recover from this mentally and physically. I just need to remember that everyone is put in positions where they don't think they can continue, but those who do continue come out stronger in the end. 
Live and learn,
Piper Jones.