I'm in my car and have been on the road for hours. The sun is high and it's almost midday. I would really like to surprise you today. I've been thinking for a while now about what I would like to say to you, when I'm in front of you again.
I miss you so much I'm at a loss, not a day goes by in which I don't think about you. I would like you to be near me every moment of the day and I know I could never live without you. The distance between us is overwhelming, we live in two different worlds and in dimensions that could probably never meet again.
I'm tired, so I push the gas pedal, maybe the feeling of anxiety and discontent that overcomes me will give me some peace in this span of time that separates me from seeing you again. I wonder if you're cold, there where you are? I have always imagined you safe, always thought no one would hurt you anymore. I even intended to give you up, if that would have allowed you to be happy and free. I would have hurt myself instead of you, in order to protect you from everything. We left each other without a reason, without allowing us the time to understand that our love was our life and your survival. You will always be my one true love even if I will have to let you go, and I'm sure I will have the courage to do so, when I'm in front of you.
The car speeds on this empty highway and the only thing that cheers me up is music. The few local radios in this area broadcast love songs. Suddenly our favourite song comes on: (Everything I Do) I Do It For You, by Brian Adams. Its lyrics echo in my mind:
"Look into my eyes
you will see,
what you mean to me.
Search your heart, search your soul
and when you find me there, you'll search no more.
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for.
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for.
You know it's true,
everything I do, I do it for you".
The images of the beginning of our story and of our first kiss appear in my mind and my thoughts go back to that evening... to when we were preparing the room for the party and there were only you, me and the disco lights shining on us. Your taste, your sweetness, your smile and your lust for life overwhelmed me and made me feel like a queen.
I don't know why it has taken me so long to come and see you. After all, sometimes, I think it's the right thing to do, before saying goodbye and getting on with my life. But then I have second thoughts and I convince myself that it's better to remain where I belong, where you left me.
Why did you leave me... if you're still in my dreams, what do you still want from me?
I think I'm almost there, a few more turns and then there should be the flower shop.
Maybe I can stop and buy a red tulip, to give you as a present. Flowers are magic and, maybe, they can erase the past and bring you back to me.
Do you remember when we took long walks in the woods and we never got tired? I was always in front of you and if I turned towards you, you would smile at me, you used to look at me as if I was the most beautiful creature in the world. Once we even engraved our initials on a tree, who knows if they're still there.
Oh, here is the shop. I'll buy you a bouquet of tulips.
You and I got along well, we were really a beautiful couple. Do you remember when they told us that we looked alike, like brother and sister? We were at the beach. You took me by train to visit your aunt. You wanted so much for me to meet her... and then we stopped to eat cheese toasts on the boardwalk. We fell asleep under the sun and burnt our faces. We were really funny, but also reckless. When I got back home, my mother was really angry with me.
Here I am, I'm here with you. I hope the gate is open, or I'll have to call the keeper. After all it's almost three p.m., he shouldn't have left yet.
I have lost track of time, I didn't realize that I've been driving for hours. I hope I can do it, it won't be easy to see you after all this time.
I freshen up my make-up and my hair. Oh, gosh, it's really silly of me! All right, I got it. I just have to get out of the car and reach you, after all, you will always be there in the same place, it couldn't be otherwise.
I take a deep breath, grab the flowers and my bag and get out of the car. I walk down that small stretch of road that runs from the gate to the entrance of the cemetery, as if it was the biggest journey of my life and I find you still there.
I put the flowers on your tombstone, while my eyes fill with tears that run down my face and a slight breeze brushes me lightly, almost comforting me before I say goodbye, my love.
