When I was a little girl, I was taught that if a boy liked you, he would demonstrate this affection by being mean. This has caused me many problems over the years, as sometimes cruelty is misconstrued as affectionate 'Banter'.
Cut to me, I'd just turned 16.
Once there was a boy, he was so mean to me that I fell in love with him.
When he started swatting me with books and throwing pens at the back of my head I couldn't believe my luck. SOMEBODY LIKED ME!
My friends hated him.
We talked on and off for a year. He had a habit of dissappearing just before things got "too serious". So he would talk to me for a few weeks every month and on the final week he would ignore me. I would be miserably unhappy, feeling dejected and hurt, but as soon as he came back I felt a small sense of victory.
Even through all the name calling or the times he told me to "JUST DIE." when he had had a bad day, he had chosen to come back to me and that was enough.
When we eventually made it official I was overjoyed. Looking back on it now it's sort of funny to think it would be so happy for the beginning of what might have been the most stressful two months of life I was constantly worried "Am I good enough for him?".
He used to joke about leaving me, to the point where I would get paranoid about having not spoken for the day incase he just wasn't ever going to speak to me again.
There was little communication and little trust.
When he told me at the beginning of the relationship that he was 'no good' I didn't understand. I thought he was being edgy and dramatic to add to his 'bad boy' persona and try and appear more desirable. He meant it.
He was an angry person.
On our first and only date we started with his drug deal. He was 'picking up'. I know. Romantic.
He then walked me to subway and laughed at me when I bought a salad. I was vegetarian. He often took the piss out of me for it and told me he'd feed me meat secretly somehow, without me knowing.
'Banter'.
We walked to the river.
He joked he was going to get his dick out. "you'd like that wouldn't you?", I shook my head.
And he got it out.
He asked me to suck it, and I did.
That was my first sexual encounter.
I regret every second of it.
I don't know why I didn't say no clearer, louder, bolder. I think it was because I was afraid of losing him. That is the wrong reason to not stand up for what you want. I wish I had been stronger. I didn't tell my friends, I wanted desperately for them to like him.
A few weeks later. A party at my friends house, most of my friends were there. We went to watch the meteor shower - it was beautiful. It had taken me hours to convince him to come and even then, I wasn't certain he'd show up.
He crashed through the gate, walked past and smiled. That was all I got as a hello. We drank and I danced with friends, he sat. I moved round to him, still dancing, he said he was embarrassed of me.
When it got to eleven the shower was visible, we laid down under the stars.
This is the only happy memory of him I can recall.
I lay on the cold dewy grass, he sits close next to me. He leans down and kisses my forehead softly and pulls a blanket around me leaning me against him. He stroked my hair and lay us both down. I snuggled into his chest, tucked under his arm. This was all I had ever wanted from him. A mutual contentment. We were both happy.
Our happiness was short lived.
I can't remember what happened whether he was annoyed or if he felt ill but he went to bed before any of the rest of us.
Dazed by alcohol we put on 'Logan' inside, joking and laughing among friends. It should have been perfect. This night is still one of my fondest memories from my summer.
He came in and sat next to me, I snuggled in again hoping for some recognition of what happened earlier, that beautiful shared contentment.
It was gone, he was someone else again.
He pushed me off, when I told him I loved him he told me to "be quiet I'm watching the film. "
We didn't really talk much after that, he said we were better as friends and it was over.
I am not angry about it, I am glad it happened. Without that experience I wouldn't be who I am today.
He told his friends I was "shit at giving head! Too much tooth!" when they started sixth-form together. The one friend he had who told me to be careful and that I might get hurt told me this. The rest just laughed with him.
