My Angel | Markjin | English Version

잘 가여 | Goodbye

Before starting the fanfic I'd like to say that English isn't my native language so I'm sorry for any mistakes.

If in this moment I would use a very bad analogy, I would say that you were my rope that always held me and kept me from falling even in the worst moments, but at the same time it was also who suffocated me in this air of problems.

If I had to compare you with something, I would say that you were a candle, lighted my nights helping me to find my way, but all candles extinguish and take the light with them, as the same way you extinguished to me and disappeared with my hope's light erasing my way to the happiness.

However, I know I've never been perfect. Sometimes I complained a lot, was too much perfectionist and most part of the time I got mad easily. Although I always thought you didn't mind after all you've never said anything stayed beside me, stayed, saying it in the past it's so weird now, but I think I have to get used to it, you left me anyway.

You left... It's still not entering in my mind, you knew how I dependent, on everything, on everyone and principally on you but even so you left... I can't call you selfish because even I would have given up, if I were you but it hurts, hurts a lot Jinyoungie...

I didn't need a lot, only you here by my side like no one wanted to stay. Needed you to hug me, to make me laugh, to comfort me in my crisis, yes crisis, I don't know if you're still remember but what I had wasn't just problems, it was an ill. I had depression and you knew that, Jinyoung, you was the only who didn't avoid me, who didn't said I was crazy or fussy.

Meanwhile you left me. I didn't want to be so dependent, have all these problems even if you said they weren't. I needed you but the more you helped me the more I felt like a burden, the more I felt useless and more and more I languished in myself.

Howsoever I admired you, because even when my "friends" and even my family abandoned me you're still there guiding me and doing anything for I stay here.

And I really appreciate all your tries and all the times you kept me practically in quarantine just for I didn't hurt myself, and yes, it made me a little bit better because it made me believe that someone was still caring.

But then you left, I cried a river when they said you've accepted a proposal to work in another country, I cried even more when passed a month and you hadn't told me anything, when passed two and you didn't even send a message, when passed a year and they said you'd came for holidays but didn't looked for me or even asked about me.

Even so I didn't give up, I continued going to the doctor's appointments, even if I hadn't any desire to do this, I forced myself to keep working and keep the fake smiles. The smiles... They became a mask over everything that defined the inside me, after all it was necessary, people can have a really closed mind that I'd be even more isolated without this smiles, a sad look would be enough to be excluded, to be treated like a renegade, like my illness was contagious not only cureless.

I knew that you have a new boyfriend, Jackson was his name, a Chinese humorous and completely extroverted like the total opposite of me, I think is because of that you fell in love with him. He wasn't dependent, he didn't have crises, he would makes you happy and not waste your time with crisis and crying.

However, I didn't wished you the worst. I think it was what you deserved, someone who could make you happy and not a broken person like me. I always wished you all the happiness I would never feel, eventually I would feel a bit better just seeing your smiles and laughs, even more when you forgot your habit of hidden your mouth while laughing. I wished you would follow your dreams, your life, even if this meant forgetting me.

But I didn't think, Jinyoung, I didn't think it would hurt that much, I didn't think that would be so tough not see your eyes anymore, with the cute little wrinkles while you smiled, not see your lips, and how attractive they were for me, don't see you at all, don't have you at all. I didn't thought it would hurt that much not hear your voice, speaking or singing, it was soft and could calm me in any ways.

In the end, I see that I was wrong your farewell did hurt like it was cracking my heart, it did hurt like hell, even if I think I'm not really far from there. It did hurt in each little piece of me, it was like having a piece of me taken away, actually, I had a piece of me taken away, I liking it or not you were a part of me like no one was.

But I'm still regarding your happiness, doesn't matter where you are, doesn't matter where I am, I want you to continue your life and see the hope I never could see, feel the happiness I never could feel and follow the dreams I never could follow.

I think it's now that I say goodbye, but know that doesn't matter where I am I'll keep wishing you the best because even after all that happened you was and still being someone really important to me, you made me still being here, but I'm really sorry for saying that I can't continue, I don't have the strength to do so, I lost my way and found myself in front of this cliff. I'm not proud of it, I'm not proud of giving up, but I feel like this is the only option left, even if I know this shouldn't be one. I'm really sorry that I made all your time wasted with me be useless, I'm sorry for not being a normal friend to you, I'm sorry for being that burden as always.

As I already said, Jinyoung, wherever I am I'll watch over you. Even if people believe I don't deserve it I want to go to heaven, or is the whatever the good place good people go after their last sigh, just to meet you again some day, because I'm sure your place there it's already reserved, sometimes I even think that you came from there.

Because in the middle of all this you was an angel, my angel.

AN:
I'm translating the second chapter and I'll probably post it this week.