melted

i don't want to be a fanfiction writer

i want to make a story where nobody falls in love. i want people to get mad at me, fall in love with their ideals of what these characters should be. i want them to be stuck in that realization that it's not going to happen. i want to throw people into a pit of understanding you can't change people. they do not bend to your requests, i will not bend to their requests. i want to make a story where every character is horrible. i want these readers to not be able to feel empathy for these people. this world is undesirable, this world is unfair. i want to make a story where the main character gets rejected. i want them to experience rejection, let them down easier than anyone else will, this life we live is terrifying but i can terrorize teenagers for the better. i want to make a story that nobody likes, it'll become a cult classic in fifty years, everyone will applaud my accomplishments, i won't show up to the awards ceremony, that's how far my love for these children goes. i want to make a story that my students can read and never understand. i want them to contemplate the meanings as we do shakespeare, maybe he was just writing to feel something, verona was never meant to be fair, romeo and juliet are not the epitome of true love. i want to make a story that only i could ever be proud of.

i hate what fanfiction stands for, i hate that we can easily force people into molds without them ever knowing, i hate that i'm okay with sticking labels where i don't know that they belong, i hate that i read untruths and weep, i hate what fanfiction isn't, because real life isn't tied up in pretty ribbon unlike your main characters, i hate that people will never get the chances their fanfiction counterparts have, i don't hate it, i love everyone, hate is a strong word, i merely disgust myself on a daily basis, stating seventeen behind-the-scenes moments that i'll never see coming. (make a comment, tell me that i've made a reference. i know.)

give me five minutes and i'll make a trash masterpiece, soak my manuscripts in brine and char them on an outdoor grill, it tastes like disappointment, the bloomability of humans dimensions away makes me salivate, i hate myself, hate is a strong word and i only mean it centennially, i've used up a hundred years, life's a bastard that's been abandoned by death and fate, the wheel will turn again, i'll force the world to feel loved unconditionally with my bare hands.

i hate this community occasionally (every day) and it's nothing against the people, it's more of the general consensus that communities in their entirety are full of spite, the society of ones and zeros is torn apart in jagged strips and that's after paraphrasing the terms and conditions, everyone hates themselves more than they hate each other and that leads to internal turmoil, there's envy volcanoes all over, pockmarks on the skin, it's the plague, we create archipelagos out of nothing and we are called magicians rather than witches, either is true if you tilt your head, it's not about the humans as it is about humanity as it's come to be, i'm anything but a misanthrope but the past couple of months have stuck into my back like knives, if you pull them out, will you bleed to death?

i hate myself and i take it out on the world that surrounds me, i don't hate myself but i hold a severe disappointment for what's brought me to this point (which just so happens to be myself,) i don't hate anyone but i just wish the world was filled with more pride and kindness instead of snarky remarks and unfinished sentences, i'm tired of working toward disappointment stuffed into a pretty little box, i'm the twenty-first century's pandora, i can't believe that everything i've worked toward is crumbling under my feet, they say i've worked hard but none of it shows, the numbers don't add up, people say i'm underrated or annoying or both, neither is a great compliment but i've tried my best to take it in stride, i hate the fact that i have a complex over every little thing, my feet turn outwards and so do everyone's gazes, i am hideously desperate to catch a break from my own self-pity from within the self-dug pit i've created, i hate the person who says they hide all their pain under a smile to gain support but i hate hypocrites most of all, i hate the people who leave loose ends but i've barely been able to stand up in the mornings, a circle of fourths spirals in on itself and i am lost in the secret sauce of a recipe i'll never know, it's understanding, i know everyone else's ingredients but my own, i want someone to laugh at me, i want someone to tell me i'm stupid, i want someone to tell me the truth for once (and if it's positive, i'm positive you haven't heard the whole story yet.)

i hate fanfiction because of the happy endings, the sad endings, the cliche endings, every ending with the credits sequence and the thank you letters and the closing soundtrack. nothing ends, everything keeps going until you're dead, there's no escape, but we all have to live day by day, a cumulative effort for an unknown variable.

i want to make my own story.