Scars

Entry Three

Stardate: April 14, 2153. 20:00 hours.
Location: Med Bay

Just when I thought I was making some real, serious progress, it all goes to Hell. I don't even know what happened. I mean... I know what happened, I just can't believe it did. It was the stupidest thing, but I spiraled. It was as if for a split second, I had absolutely no control. It was a living nightmare.

I was on my way back to my crew quarters, after my check-up. It was so quiet in the hall, almost too quiet. I was almost there, and all of a sudden the ship lurched a little bit, and I toppled over. The lights began to flicker, and everything was spinning. I know now that the room itself wasn't spinning; it was my field of vision. Everything began to warp and swirl, then my heart started pounding; it was happening again. The Xindi were attacking us, I was so sure of it. When the alarm went off, I lost it. I made a run for my crew quarters, and started punching in my code. But, my hands were shaking so much and my vision was so blurred, I couldn't get the damn thing in correctly. I heard someone running up behind me, and I was sure it was them. I wasn't going to let them take me, not again.

I felt someone grab my shoulders, and I just lost it. I remember screaming for Captain Archer and Trip, for anyone to come and help. I remember just swinging as hard as I could, trying to land a punch or two. I was spun around, and it was Malcom. He was holding my arms, trying to get me to calm down, but from what he told me, I just kept swinging and screaming. The last thing I remember before blacking out was Phlox and Captain Archer running towards me, and Phlox had an auto-injector. There was a slight sting on my arm, and well.. that was it. 

When I woke up in the med bay, Amaya was there, holding my hand. Trip was right beside her. Phlox and Captain Archer came in and told me that I had a panic attack and a flashback all in one. Turns out, we hit some kind of turbulence pocket in a Nebula we were passing through. It knocked out our power for a few minutes, so we had to revert to back-up systems for a little while. That was why the ship rocked, the lights went out, and the alarms went off. As soon as the ship rocked, Phlox called for anyone in my area to get to me, quickly; he feared that this would happen. 

He wants me to stay here overnight for observation, in case we hit any more turbulence pockets; we have to pass another nebula tonight. But at least this time I know what's going on. I still just can't believe this actually happened. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, though; Phlox gave me fair warning that I would be dealing with the after-effects for a while. 

I'm alone for right now; Phlox is at his desk working on a report of my "incident." I hate even admitting this to myself, but right now I want more than anything to have Trip here with me. I want him to hold me and tell me I'm going to be okay. I want to feel safe, the way I always did when we would spend nights together in his crew quarters, or mine. But, that's something I can't have right now. Maybe I'll never have it ever again. Trip and I don't really talk all that often these days. I don't know if it's guilt on his part, or maybe more because I'm still a little angry with him.

I do know that I have a massive headache right now, and I should probably take Amaya's advice and get some rest. As if I don't sleep enough during the day.