Living Dead: Alternate Chapter-Who Am I Without You?

Walking through the front door brought a sense of relief, but lately anxiety made its presence known too. What used to be Ryan's refuge, a sanctuary of sorts, does not have the calming effect as it had before. It's because of the recent turn of events. It's everything that Brendon had done, coming back from the dead, defied nature itself.

"I get so exhausted at night, Ry. I just want food and sleep."

They had spent the day looking for clues. Visiting odd spots of "that day" to trigger memories in Brendon or visions for Spencer. The "field trip" to the mall was unnerving. Ryan's senses were on high alert, his subconscious already knowing that something devastating had occurred there. He was relieved that Jon suggested they call it a day when a child's popping balloon sent Ryan into a panic attack. Why is he being so jumpy and anxious? Shouldn't Brendon be the one to experience all this nervousness? But it was the opposite effect. He pointed to rental spaces that were empty, naming the stores that were there before. For Brendon, it was just a few days earlier. For the others, recalling what was present in the mall fives years ago was not an simple task at all.

Then, the temporary plaque in center court. The mayor of the city insisted that something needed to be set up to honor the victims. It was a simple bronzed metal plaque, cemented on the floor along the other sandy-beige tiles in the center of the mall. The contrast of the colors made its presence known. It is titled "In Remembrance," with the date and a list of names. The victims who were shot that day. Brendon had kneeled and touched his name, probably thinking that this is all just a bad dream and feeling the cold metal under his fingertips would wake him. Ryan has asked to be awoken from this nightmare for five years.

"Ryan, I'm hungry. Heating up this leftover pizza. How old is this anyway?" Ryan walks over to the couch and sits at the end that gives a glimpse into the kitchen. Out of the corner of his eye, Ryan sees the shrug of his shoulders and the back of the baseball style tee shirt Brendon is wearing. It was one of the few that Ryan couldn't get rid of. It was Brendon's favorite Journey shirt. Navy blue sleeves with the Frontiers album cover. He briefly thinks of the week after Brendon's death, how he wore that shirt and sat in this very spot and did not move until Jon and Spencer came to pick him up for the funeral.

Walking towards the microwave carrying the pizza box in his hands, Brendon starts to rummage for plates. He hears cabinets opening, closing; dishes clinking and the fridge open and close. Underneath all the cacophony of the kitchen, Ryan can hear Brendon humming a song. His song, "First Try," which he wrote when they were younger, and for Ryan. He had been tweaking it for the mall show. Ryan feels his heart stop for half a beat. The pain flashes a warning in his chest for a brief second, reminding him that it can, and will return at any moment. Don't get too comfortable.

"Ryan? Did you hear me? Ry!" Brendon's questions forced Ryan back to reality, whipping his neck to the side, and his eyes locking onto Brendon's. Ryan hadn't realized he was daydreaming, staring at the mantle of the fireplace. Brendon walks over to the mantle, chuckling at a few of the framed photos, and touching them with his finger. "Oh man! It's my Jimmy Neutron look when we went hiking. I remember that day. It was so windy. You were mad at me earlier that morning. Do you remember?" Ryan remembers that day very clearly, but doesn't say a word. He wants to hear his response. What this Brendon in his living room has to say about that day.

"We barely got engaged. What, maybe a month? You were ready to go to Vegas that weekend, saying we could be married by Elvis in less than an hour. I told you I wanted to wait. My mother would have killed us both if we had eloped without her getting a say in the boutonnières or cake. She may not have agreed with my life choices, but she was happy that I found you. She really loved you. Still loves you." He picks up the photo of Ryan and sits next to him on the couch. "Took me forever to get you to smile for this picture. It may be one of the best ones I took of you. It has that au natural look. Could only get more natural unless you were naked. Wait, we did get naked! Ha! Made you smile again." He scoots closer to Ryan along the couch. Ryan stiffens in his spine a bit, but flexes his hands to try to stay relaxed, his smile quickly fading. "Do you remember what I told you? I believe it was before the - we got naked - part. I told you that it didn't matter if we got married that next day, that next week, or next month. I was going to love you as much in a year as I did in that very second."