life n' such

tough topics

major self harm stuff here just fyi
If it wasn't obvious from my previous entries, I have some issues with self harm. It started a really long time ago, before I even knew what self harm was. You see, when I was little and my mom would yell at me I'd get so upset and frustrated because I didn't know how to deal with it that I'd slam my head against the wall until i could finally relax a bit. My parents took this as me just being dramatic, which I am, but looking back now, it might've been more than that. I'm no doctor or psychologist and i don't believe in self diagnosis so I don't want to straight up i have a mental illness (depression, anxiety you get the idea) because I've never been to a professional or received a diagnosis. However, i do think that was sort of the start of my current self harm issues. The first time I ever tried to cut myself was in 4th grade. I don't even know what I was upset over but I had just finished reading a book having to do with self harm and something set me off so I took a kitchen knife and tried to cut the back of my hand, somewhere i could blame it on a broken zipper. If you've ever tried to cut human flesh with a steak knife you'll know that it doesn't quite work out and it didn't. That day I decided I would never do something like that again. Obviously, it didn't work out like that. I kept that idea solid up until about 7th grade. The exact time frame gets a little sloppy here because this was around the time i really started to go off the rails. That year, i found that if you wore enough bracelets, no one could see what was underneath so shit got real. 7th grade was also the first and only time I willingly showed someone my cuts that would just so happen to be the two girls who sorta hate me (maybe not ?? there have been new developments here I'll update when I actually know) They both thought it was a one time thing, that I stopped and everything was fine. I didn't. I got more creative even, i would scratch my arms til they bled or snap a hair the so hard against my wrist it scarred. Maybe I did stop for a while, but if you've ever dealt with something like this you know you can't just stop. It doesn't work like that. I have what I guess are cycles with this. I'll be perfectly fine for a while and question why i ever cut in the first place and then out of the blue I'll start getting urges and I'll ignore them because I'm not proud of this and i don't wanna be that girl but it'll keep plaguing me until I give in. When I do, (I always do) it feels so good like I've been hiking for weeks and i can finally relax and catch my breath. Then comes the regret. I retreat into my head and don't come out because I don't want people to know and i flinch when anyone touches near my hip because if they were to move their hand just a little they could feel them and it terrifies me. What would people think? What would they do if they knew there were smiley faces carved into the skin on my too big hips? How could I justify it? I have a perfect life I have no reason to destroy myself like this. How could I ever explain to anyone that I love them when i can't even explain it to myself? This is the longest part I've ever written and it's not even the whole story, it's just the highlights. I'm starting to have urges again and i don't know how to deal. Maybe this time could be different but somehow I doubt it.