Dear World, I'm Layn. I'm Agender, nonbinary. I'm Polysexual, meaning that I like boys and girls and every one in between. I'm proud of who I am. I don't tell my family though.
Being nonbinary, I bind down my chest. I feel awful about my protruding thighs and ass. I put myself down a lot for looking feminine, and getting catcalled for it. My age doesn't matter, nobody should be catcalled.
I'm someone who struggles to find good friends, and I've started pushing people away before they can get close enough to hurt me. I'm self conscious and feel like people talk about me behind my back.
I never feel very comfortable irl. I'm only fully out to everyone I know online, and I don't even know them. People at school don't understand. They don't mind, but they don't have the same problems. I can't come out to my family either. Or people at church.
I've struggled with myself for a while. My body and my mind are my worst targets. Everyone calls me perfect, beautiful, worthy of what I have. I nitpick, I see each flaw, and dent, and problem.
My face isn't mine, my chest isn't mine, my legs and ass aren't mine. Not because they are transplants, or plastic surgery. But because it's feminine. I'm a skinny person, but all the weight I do have goes to my ass and thighs, causing me to be jiggly, noticeable in ways I feel dysphoric about. My breasts aren't big. Not enough to be too noticeable anyways, but I notice them. That's my problem, I see them as a female part and I don't want them. I want to be flat, so I have a makeshift binder.
I have a sob story, I get bullied. I've been picked on knowingly and unknowingly by both parties.
Not too long ago, I was walking down the hall. These people didn't know it, but they emotionally attacked me. They were walking behind me, came up, and commented sexually on my ass, and patted it too. The part of my body that gives me the most dysphoria. I haven't cried so hard in a long time.
I use art and drawing as an escape from it. I draw myself in a binder, a professional one. I draw people who are happy with themselves. Because I'm not.
I'm not proud of some things I say. I lash out at people to keep myself from making friends. I tell them what I think of myself. I call them unintelligent because I think I am. I may get straight A's, but that doesn't mean I'm smart. I regret every mean word I say, every dumb move I make, everything I've done to hurt anyone.
This is me. This is who I am. This is why I turn to places like Wattpad. To escape. To be someone I want to be. Not because I have a nice life, but because I can lead a facade.
Love Whisperwind22
