She stood there in the pouring rain for what must be the fourth time this month. The heavy downfall disguised the paths her tears made as they cascaded down her face. The puddle on his porch, the one pooled at her feet, must be at least 64% salt water at this point. He opened the door wider and let her into the living room. She slipped off her red Converse and curled up on the couch. She sat silent as a statue with her knees drawn up to her chest. Her lengthy chocolate hair spilled around her shoulders. It created a screen that hid her shadowed face from his view. He pulled a tub of Ben & Jerry's from the freezer. He draped a blanket over her shivering legs before handing it to her. He knew the routine. Her crying a river? Check. Ice cream and the ancient quilt? Check. Next on the itinerary was hearing all about what the other guy had done to break her heart. He knew he shouldn't be upset and jealous just because he was friend-zoned, but he was anyways. Katy was the catch of a lifetime and deserved to be with someone who treated her as such, someone better than Austin. He liked to believe he was that someone.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was so light and raw from crying that it physically pained him. He couldn't stand to see her like this. Yet he said nothing in response to her statement.
She sniffled and rubbed her nose before she continued. "I'm sorry for always bothering you, for always running to you with my problems, I don't know where else to go. You're my best friend, Luke, and I'm a mess, a god damn mess. I can feel the ground coming out from under my feet and it's always you that I latch onto. You're my lifeline. I just pray that when I fall I have the strength to let you go and not pull you down with me."
He can tell she's not finished talking, but still his mind wanders. Friend. F-R-I-E-N-D. The word every guy dreads hearing. It's the sign at the edge of a cliff that reads, "All hope is lost." Nothing hurts worse than loving someone who will only ever see you as a friend, or worse, a brother.
"I-I caught him with another girl. I knew there were a lot before me, but I just thought we were...he was different. Changed." The last part came out as a whisper and he had to strain to hear her. "She left as soon as she saw me. As soon as she shut the door I asked him what the hell he was doing, even though it was clear to both of us. There was still a shadow, a ghostly outline of where she had sat with him. On him. The scent of Dolce & Gabanna hung in the air like the sickly sweet breath of an alcoholic. There was nothing "Light Blue" about that situation. It was all dark and heavy. He somehow managed to find his voice just as I lost mine. He got defensive and we ended up fighting." She tugged at the collar of her sweater and he glimpsed a mauve bruise that spread over her shoulder. Austin was getting worse and he was terrified for her. If Austin ever harmed a hair on her head again, he wasn't sure he'd be able to contain himself.
"I think we're over. I can't go back to that. I mean, I want to hate him, but I can't. I still love him and I hate myself for it. After everything he's done to me..." she sighed and laid her head down on his legs. He resisted the urge to run his fingers through her hair, if only just for a second. If only she knew how much he loved her. He would gather up all the stars in the galaxy and arrange them into new constellations that would never shine quite as bright as her. She could lay on her back, in the arms of someone else, and he would be comforted by the thought that she was looking at his sky, his stars, their little piece of the universe. He only wished that they were together. He would never, ever hurt her. If she was with him, she would never have to be afraid again.
He looked at her now sleeping figure, wishing she knew or that he had the courage to tell her. As the now melted ice cream dripped across the floor, a thought came to him.
"You don't drown by falling in the water," he whispered, "you drown by staying there."
~ ONE MONTH LATER~
