Headshrinker

Chapter 1

There was something missing in my life. I yearned for it. It wasn't the right time at all but I just couldn't stop thinking about it. It was strange how things change. Just months ago it wasn't on my mind at all, now I couldn't let it go. I was determined to get it.

I was back in my flat after the Christmas holidays. My flatmates weren't back yet, spending all the time they could at home with their families. I was glad of the time alone. Christmas was so busy and so many people came and went. I'd had no time to think about the term ahead and the work I had to do.

The place was so empty now. I thought I could use the quiet to get right back into my university studies but I couldn't stay focused on it at all. My heart ached for what I was missing. I wasn't home sick, I didn't know what that felt like. I wasn't even out the city I'd always known. I'd never been bothered about being away from my family before.

It was overwhelming. I was meant to be revising for an exam I had to sit in a few days time. I couldn't concentrate on any of my notes or the textbooks I had. I was just crying and I couldn't understand why.

Before I came back, I'd spent as much time as I could with my best friend and her new baby over the past few days. I never thought I'd be that friend or that person. Now I was away from them it was like I was grieving. It was like I'd never see them again. I'd never have the bond between mother and baby that they had either, that was what was crushing me. I was grieving so hard for something I hadn't lost which just made it all the more confusing.

Everything about me was changing. I was getting obsessed by something that wasn't going to happen. Every time I was in front of a mirror I stared at my tummy, seeing it as I wanted it to be. I wanted it to be growing rounded. I wanted my little baby growing in there.

An image grew so strongly in my mind. I thought about it more and more. Me stood there with my reflection looking back at me, my long curly dark brown hair resting on my huge pregnant belly or even holding the newborn in my arms.

My friends were starting to have kids and I was being left behind. They tried to put me off with stories of no sleep, shit and tantrums, not all from the children. Nothing stopped me dreaming, I longed for it. I hadn't even thought about babies, I didn't like them at all, and I certainly didn't ever want one, not until very recently. After I had gotten the baby bug, bad, I could hardly think of anything else a lot of the time.

I had dreams. I had to finish my degree. I was considering going on to do a masters too and then a PhD. After I finished my education I was going to go into academic research, write books and make a real contribution to the representation of history. I was going to do it all but my mind was telling me to put it aside for a baby

I didn't have a boyfriend and I didn't want one so I fantasised about going on a night out and shagging some randomer to get what I wanted. As a student it wasn't unreasonable for me to go to one of the clubs and pull someone, anyone. I kept building I was too sensible and too scared of getting HIV and all that stuff to do that so I stayed in and tried to focus on studying.

It was a scary time to live in. I knew people who were getting ill from it and they didn't even know, they didn't want to face up to it. No one wanted to get tested for something that couldn't be treated. That advert was out to terrify us all and demonise the illness. I couldn't go to my gay friends to give me a baby, the risk was too high.

It had to be someone straight and someone I trusted but I didn't have anyone to turn to there. I wasn't an innocent little virgin, I just wasn't interested. I didn't really see the point of relationships and I didn't often feel emotion for other people. Trying to get close to someone like that seemed pointless.