My Thoughts, My Words.

03/12/18

(THIS IS A SENSITIVE ISSUE. PLEASE BE WARNED.)

It's 3:16 am.... and I wrote this.... this is extremely personal but honestly so is everything else I'm going to add to this. So if you can relate... let me know. Please remember that you are all strong, and beautiful people. Please never give up. Ever. You are needed in this world.
Peace.
-Max
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      I'm still up, I haven't been to sleep. I've been thinking... I don't really want to live anymore. And I'm not just saying this because of my depression. I'm saying this because it seems to be true. I wasn't even supposed to be here in the first place. The thing you don't know about me is that... I'm a mistake. My parents met at a club. They used a condom, my mom was on birth control. They did everything to prevent, well, me. And some how... bam. She got pregnant. She even tried to abort me. At this point I don't know how that didn't even work. She tried to give me up for adoption but she couldn't pay to give me away. They were stuck with me. No one wanted me. Sure they loved me as a kid. But... they had to show me that love. I was only a baby. And now... now it really doesn't matter. I'm older, I understand things. I don't know anymore. I don't know if I should run away... end my miserable life... or grow up like every other girl. Pretend I wasn't bullied. Pretend I wasn't raped and tortured. Pretend I am happy. Marry a banker, have two kids, be happy. Be proper. Be fake. Pretend. Be the Barbie girl I was always meant to be. Or maybe, I shouldn't. Maybe I should talk about what I am going through. So that other girls or boys or men and women or anything at all that can relate to me hear me, hear the real an vulnerable me. So that misogynistic pigs like some men, like the ones who destroyed my mind, body, and soul, can be locked away, and so that I and many other people, can throw away that key. Or maybe I should shut my mouth. And be a Barbie doll.

I am a Barbie girl.