Paper Airplanes

-one-

 you have no idea who you are until you have felt love.

i have never been in love, but i have been close. 

it's easy for me to get that feeling. that kinda feeling of love that isn't really love. i use paper airplanes. 

---

"boys and girls, if i could have your attention for just a moment," mrs. helter says.

i look up from my sketchbook and listen. 

"we have a new student."

i roll my eyes and go back to drawing. i've been through this same introduction at every single school i have been to. the teacher says welcome, the students label, and i sit in the back of the room for a few months until i get moved to another city. nothing ever changes.

"wren. please come up to the front and introduce yourself," mrs. helter says.

i stand up and go to the front of the room. 

"hi. my name's wren parish and i'm seventeen years old."

"welcome, wren. i hope you enjoy senior art class!"

i nod and go back to my seat in the back. it's marked up with stupid remarks and tumblr. quotes. i make my own mark. 

paper airplane number seven landed here on april tenth, 2018.

i write that on every single desk i sit in at every single school i go to. 

i started writing that after i moved the first time. my foster parents couldn't keep me anymore because they were moving to london and they couldn't take me with them. they weren't ready to adopt me, either. and so that started my journey of traveling all over nevada. and this go round, i ended up in las vegas. i'm supposed to be in a therapeutic foster home, but my therapeutic family isn't very therapeutic. they aren't therapeutic at all, honestly. they drink a lot and only clean up when my case worker is going to come check on me. i think they really want kids but they also want alcohol so they make a way for both. they're not abusive or anything, just weird. they have weird rules, like "no drinking mom's champagne," or "only ten minute showers." but i have my own phone and room, so i'm not complaining.

"wren? the bell just rang."

i look up at mrs. helter and nod. i get my bag and move along.

---

my favorite thing to do on a warm and sunny day is go to the park and listen to music. i usually listen to Paramore or Palaye Royale. but today i really wanna listen to Lana del Rey. her music makes me think of my life before The Accident. it was always kinda sunny and always warm. my mom was always happy and we always listened to old music. my dad had a steady job and my brother was around. it was happy and depressing at the same time, just like Lana's music. mine and my mom's favorite song was Can't Help Falling in Love. we used to listen to it all the time. i sang and played the ukulele and she danced in flowy skirts and bikini tops. we were the perfect duo, until everything changed. dad used to video us singing and dancing and show them to his co-workers. i wish i could go back to that time and change everything bad that happened.

"'scuse me, miss. are you okay," a deep voice asks.

i'm confused until he points out that i'm crying. i didn't realize i was crying.