HER

It's a funny thing, love. It creeps into you when you least expect it, and leaves as soon as you need it desperately. It holds you in it's iron grip when you're alone, trying to sleep, tossing and turning half the night. It manipulates your personality, your actions, and the way you live. But it doesn't change your soul. You will always find your fate...even when you don't want to. I myself thought of love as a myth, an illusion invented by fools to explain procreation. But that all changed when I met her.

HER

"Lexi! Nearly time for dinner, dear!" Mama said, coming into my room.
"Ok!" I replied, and hastily turned my laptop off lest she saw what I was researching. She noticed the gesture and frowned.
"You alright, darling?"
"Yes!" I replied, a little too quickly. Her eyes narrowed. "What were you doing on there?" she asked. "Oh, just...um, homework," I mumbled, hoping she wouldn't pursue it. Luckily she seemed satisfied and went back to the kitchen.
I breathed out, relieved, and reopened my computer to continue reading. I was looking at an article in an online teenage magazine: All About You. I wasn't allowed to buy the paper, but by looking online I could read it for free. The article I was reading was called Is It True Love? and it was very informative about what to do in every love-related situation. Well. Most love situations. It didn't describe the situation where you meet up in the middle of the night. When you cry and question and whisper in secret, because you're dead if they ever found out. Our situation. Our story.
We had to keep it quiet because my family would throw me out if they ever knew. Especially papa had impressed this upon me enough times; 'find a nice boy, dear. Boys are good'. Her parents were more relaxed, but would still be horrified if their daughter ever dated another girl. We were trapped in our 'unnatural' relationship, unable to answer when parents asked why we hadn't met any nice men lately. We had to meet in the dead of night, in secret, else we would be ripped apart.
But it was just so hard to lie constantly, to sneak out, to keep everything quiet when we wanted to just be together like every other couple in the world. Normal. Natural. Accepted and loved. All the deception, all the tears, all the times we'd whispered 'if only,' meant I cried myself to sleep all too often, though I always assured mama that I was simply having a coughing fit. But I didn't want to hide anymore. I had to see her again, to tell her everything that I thought. She was like a diary I could confide in; ever trusting, never judging. Even though I was behind on homework and so exhausted that my brain felt like a wrung sponge, I set my alarm to 3am, and hid it under my pillow. Then, with anticipation in my heart, I joined mama and papa for dinner.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! The sound of the alarm matched my heartbeat as I dressed silently, opened my bedroom door and crept across the landing. I heard a cough from my parent's room and froze, but there were no calls, no footsteps. Breathing a sigh of relief, I tiptoed down the stairs and slipped stealthily out the back door. A combination of being in a hurry and not wanting to awaken mama and papa meant I hadn't brought a torch, and it was pitch black. This meant I didn't notice that a light had clicked on in the house...
I stumbled around the streets until I found the entrance to the park, eerily silent at night, with gnarled old trees contorted grotesquely into evil, twisted faces. I shivered subconsciously as the looming shadows surrounded me. The dark clouds hovered ominously above and a low rumble far away meant thunder. A storm was brewing. I rushed on through the park towards our meeting point, so focused on finding the way before dawn that I didn't see the figure creeping after me, following me, spying on me. Nearly there, I thought as I ran past the glass-smooth lake like a black mirror. I sprinted straight to the secret clearing, where we always met.
A patch of moonlight illuminated her outline as I drew nearer. By the time I had reached her, the storm had hit and there was a horrendous gale blowing. We didn't care. She smiled at me through the driving rain and the wind howled like a tortured ghost as the night raged on. She stood, silhouetted in the moonlight, in the clearing facing me. A crash of thunder shone light on her anxious face.
"If they ever found out-"
"They won't," I whispered, trying to sound confident.
"We just have to keep quiet. I'll have to go when the sun rises, but I'll come back every night."
"Are you sure?" She asked. "You might get hurt."
"You're worth it. I have to see you. I love you."
"I love you too, Lexi," she said. Already a faint glimmer of pink was appearing on the horizon.
"Goodbye - but not forever," I told her. She smiled and moved towards me. My heart began to beat faster. She was so close to me I could feel her warm breath on my face. The blood in my head drummed insistently as she took my hand. My skin suddenly felt ten times more sensitive; I was acutely aware of her fingers brushing my shoulder, her hands stroking my hair. A small, slightly mocking smile crossed her lips. It was as if her expression was saying, go one, I dare you. So I did; I leant forwards until I could see every one of her individual eyelashes. Her eyes merged into one as I closed mine and our lips locked as if they would never, ever let go.
"LEXI!!"
I pulled away faster than the lightning that had just struck and whipped around. There, standing in a pair of striped pyjamas and a tartan slippers, stood papa. His fists were clenched, a vein was throbbing in his temple and his face wore an expression of utmost apoplexy. He surged forward, and roughly grabbed me by the neck, shaking me as he spoke,"HOW DARE YOU, YOU SICK LITTLE FAGGOT!" I sobbed and choked as he was throttling me whist he spoke. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, KISSING...HER??"
"I'm sorry, dad!" I cried, slowly turning purple with the force of his shaking. "I'm sorry I lied to you. I can't help it. I love her."
"HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT I WILL NOT TOLERATE HOMOSEXUALITY IN THIS HOUSEHOLD!" He roared. "YOU ARE A DISGUSTING CREATURE AND I WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN!"
Me too, I thought. Me too.
"I'll try to be a better daughter, I promise!"
"You're no daughter of mine," he snarled. "I have no daughter!"
"No!" I wailed,"please!"
"You disgust me," he said, and spat vehemently in my face. Then he punched me hard in the chest and I crumpled to the floor.
I came to still lying on the ground, muddy and dishevelled, my clothes in tatters, my hair matted and dirty. My nose still throbbed and blood was dribbling down my front. I was entirely alone, no one knew I was here, no one cared, no one came to rescue me. But it wasn't me I was worried about, it was her. Had he hit her too? Had he kidnapped her? Had he - had he killed her?
"NO!" I screamed, struggling to my feet. She had to be here somewhere - maybe hiding. I started searching for her, frantically calling her name. There was no answer. I was utterly alone. I kept hearing the voices in my head, heard the shouting, remember the threat of his voice, the thump of his blows, the roughness of his shaking. I started shaking at the memory, wondering what I'd really done wrong. How could a father, who loved me so much, now hate me and desert me just because of who I loved. And it wasn't just him. Everyone seemed to think I was an alien, a sin, a mistake when I knew there was nothing wrong with me. But I had no one. All the pain, all the sadness, all the heartbreak... wouldn't I be better off without that? By being who I was, I had started this, and maybe it was time to end it. Yes, I thought, that's the only way. If I couldn't live happily ever after then it would be easier just to stop living altogether. So I pulled out my penknife (which I always held, for safety precautions) and cut a deep gash in my forearm.
The pain exploded immediately and a red haze covered my vision. I drew the knife through my skin again, the screams of anguish escaping me as the pain doubled. It seemed to course through my body like poison, twisting my brain and piercing my very heart. The blood trickled down onto my skirt and I sobbed desperately, shaking with the pain. Come on Death, I whispered, take me. Free me of my pain and let me be at peace, I thought. But the pain didn't cease. Even as my sight began to whirl into a black and grey haze and all noises seemed further away, the pain was still there, inside. The knowledge that I was never loved and that I could not be who I was shrieked inside my head and as I fell into that never-ending sleep, nightmares still haunted me though I lived no longer. My heart shattered though it wasn't beating. I cried though I had no tears. My body lay broken and useless in the park, but my soul flew on, to be with, to breathe, and to live through her.

THE END