Let Them In

"I have HIV."

Those three simple, yet terrifying words were enough to jolt me to the core. Human immunodeficiency virus, also known as HIV; didn't we learn in school that it was the cause of acquired immune deficiency syndrome (AIDS)?

My hands shook as I hurriedly packed all of my stationery and schoolwork, aware of my friend's watchful gaze. She quietly looked on as I scrambled to get away from the table we were sitting at. I did not even bother saying anything as I rushed out of the cafe, wanting to be as far away from her as possible. It seemed like she knew what I was thinking as she did nothing to stop me.

She was my best friend, but now I was not sure if the title still held. How could she have kept this from me for so long? It was not a mere personal secret, but something that could have ruined my life.

I shuddered as memories of the countless number of times I shared the same drink or utensils with her flitted through my mind. Not once did she bother to warn me that I might catch something from her, I thought angrily. How dare she? I was disgusted at the thought that I had skin contact with someone who had such a disease.

The moment I reached home, I immediately took a bath that lasted half an hour. I scrubbed my body until it was a raw red, and I even disinfected my clothes. I was so paranoid that she had transferred the disease to me. I did not even dare to confide in my parents when they got home as I felt so ashamed and disgusted of my friend.

The next day at school, I made up my mind to confront her about it. She was sitting at our  usual table under the cypress tree, her eyes trained on her clasped hands as she waited for me. Slowly making my way over, I stood in front of the table across her but made no motion to sit down.

I had rehearsed my confrontation for hours last night, yet when I was finally meeting her, it seemed like it was all for naught. None of the practiced words left my mouth when I opened it. My hands were clammy. I did not even realise they were trembling violently until I raised them to push back my hair.

When I looked up, the haunted look in her eyes sucked me in and held me in place. She must have seen something in my expression too, for she shrunk deeper into herself.

Suddenly, I was terrified.

Who was she, really? Why did she not tell me her secret? Why did she tell me her secret?

The combined forces of fear and sheer desperation gripped me, choking me and making it harder for me to breathe. My eyes darted over her wildly, looking for some sign of familiarity but found none.

Who are you?! Who are you, really!?

The faint murmurs of other students brought me back to reality. Coming back to my senses, I realised that my finger was pointing at her accusingly and I had yelled at her. I jerked back in embarrassment, my hand fell limply at my side. I was drained of my anger and energy.

"I'm sorry." was all she said before she rushed off with tears streaming down her face, leaving me in the spotlight to deal with my own regret and guilt.

In the days that followed, school became the best place and worst place to be at. Whenever we made eye contact, there is only sadness in hers and fear in mine. I watched her as she slowly distanced herself from people. I watched her as she slowly became a shell of what she used to be. And I continued watching her to decipher who she really is.

***

"Ouch! Sorry..." a familiar voice whispered. I froze when I registered who it was and immediately glanced up to see her walking to a nearby table. She took out a familiar-looking lunchbox and upon opening it, warning bells started ringing at the back of my mind.

I stared harder and with a start, I realised that the cookies that were in the lunch box were the ones that her mum usually packed for special occasions. Ones that I had shared with her numerous times. It had totally slipped my mind that I might have contracted HIV from her!

The moment I ended school, I rushed home and immediately started searching on articles related to HIV. And to my utter disbelief and shock, I learnt in a short amount of time that HIV being able to passed through saliva was just a myth. Was my assumption wrong all along? Was HIV a virus like any other? Does that mean that I could not get infected just by the usual sharing of food and drinks?

The relief that rushed through my very being was like a breath of fresh air and I felt more at ease than I had ever been these past few weeks. That, however lasted for mere seconds when I saw another article about how HIV is hereditary and can be passed from the parent to their offspring. In the blink of an eye, that relief was replaced by something more profound. A chill swept through me as the very gravity of the decisions I had taken started to press in on me.

Nausea clawed its way up my throat as I started to reflect on my actions.  Did I just push away something so precious for a false sense of security? Who was I to be so cruel to push away a dear friend in her time of need? Am I that shallow to disregard our many years of friendship filled with sacrifices and help simply because of my cowardice?

The wheels of self-hatred started turning in my mind and left an acrid taste in my mouth. At the time that my friend needed me most, she had let me in and in my fear, I had closed the door on her and on our friendship. She needed me, and I needed her.

The disease was part of her; it did not make her any less of who she was and I was going to have to accept her for it. Because none of it mattered, only who she was. I was going to let her and our friendship back in again.

The following day, I went to the table under the cypress tree to see her already sitting there, as if she had predicted what was going to happen. I cautiously sat in front of her and unsurprisingly, she stood up straight away to leave.

I called her name softly and she stopped.

I have known who you are all along but I forgot who I was for a while. I now understand why you pushed everyone, except me, away.

I raised my hand, but this time, my palm was open as a gesture of friendship and apology. It was her call to make.

As I watched her face in anticipation, slowly, a smile spread across her face. And I knew it was time.

It was time to let her in.