Safe With Me

Chapter 1: The Beginning

She was a strange girl, that one...

Everyone thought so except her.

"strange" wasn't the word - perhaps. She had lost faith in words; she often thought that they caused trouble and were dangerous. Now that's a half-lie because, paradoxically enough, she had a passion for language. She used it to intensify her own emotions. She wasn't losing the core of the emotion itself - just simply indulged in the pleasure of seeing it unravel before her very soul through words; she wanted words to unmask its intensity to her so that she'd feel it even more deeply but she didn't mean for the effortlessness to be taken way. Paranoid she was - perhaps. Yes, strange, wasn't the word. Often felt that she could be herself only when she was utterly alone. She was very much content in what felt like solitude; not because she had gotten accustomed to it but plainly because she liked it that way. No possible traps on the horizon - human relationships, friendships, communication, words, veils and misunderstandings. Hell, if you asked her whether she was happy, she'd dreamily shiver a bit and say something about the weather instead just to change the subject.

Mainly she didn't like revealing her mood to just "anyone": you had to sense her gaze before she even truly began Looking at you. After all, it was a matter of being for her. It was the fact that she never liked giving herself away. Every time she spoke, vague words came out, there was no preciseness even though she could be precise. But that depended on the way someone looked at her. Someone had to sweetly "force" her to be precise; and oh she enjoyed a challenge. Probably wasn't that smart - that one. As far as concealing was concerned, she simply couldn't do it.And then again she was solitary and there was no meaning in even thinking about concealing because when she was alone, her voice truly felt like her own. In spite of her apparent transparency, yes, she really was herself when she was allowing her own silence to recite life's ways to her. But she knew nothing about real life even if she still trusted herself in what felt "real" to her.

Maybe wasn't that of a strange girl, perhaps she was just naive, foolish, and sometimes, you could even refer to her as "lovely" but all these adjectives didn't reveal her personality at all. Personality...transparency was the only personality she thought herself capable of having. But, as I said, she was content in being self-aware about it. Independent she was, self-sufficient, perhaps. Unbroken. Not that she was solid but she certainly didn't mind. She trusted her multiple selves; she trusted her going on about the world and never fearing what she'd come to discover.Simply sustained that peculiar aura of mystery to her but each time she looked in the mirror she only felt ordinary. And then...then she felt, from the look in her eyes of her reflection. First we feel, then we fall - she liked that phrase by Joyce.

You don't wish to truly know the rest of the story. Anyone would assume that she lost herself in the other person or in her own feelings; that she began choking in the act of sharing her life with someone. So much that she lost track of what she truly wanted or desired.It was the passion, and the exciting danger and the thrill of his touch, she feared it all at the same time, she feared that shed become another, changed, vanished inside insecurity and self-imposed pain, grew "unhealthy" and scary, never had her shit together in the first place, and that once he realized it, he'd leave.

You could assume anything - that she had a choice not to let all of this happen in a dramatic degree, but foolish as she was, she let it.

You could assume she chose this. You could assume.

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I was 2 when my mother put me up for adoption,or rather put me on the side of a long deserted road in the middle of Fall.Until my adoptive parents,David and Sarah,were on their way home from visting family in the middle afternoon of that cold windy day,stopped when they seen a small child sitting on the side of the road covered in gold and red dampened leaves.Sarah took it as a sign from god that I was destined to be hers when they couldnt find my original parents,and as well as not being able to get pregnate.They took me in their sweet home in Colorado Springs,happily giving me shelter,love,and a new name,with a new life and family to be apart of.I turn 17 as of today,they had agreed that the day they found me was a blessing,therefore it should be my official birthday.October 20th is the official day.Watching the red and gold leaves fall down ,one by one from the tree outside the window..I couldnt help but to think,How can we think something is so beautiful,and not realize that in truth, it is dying.