TW//...AB*SIVE RELATIONSHIP (emotional and physical)
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I need to be real about something that happened to me years ago that still effects my daily life.
I was in an abusive relationship .
I'm so scared to talk about this so please be gentle with me.
He started out loving , or so I thought. I wrote off his mean comments about my tattoos, piercings and hair. I wrote off the way he drank. I wrote it all off.
We loved each other I think, but we also hated each other. We were never friends.
He gave me so much love at first- more love than I could comprehend. I moved in with him very early, it seemed like the right thing to do. Later I realized it was so he could control me. Then the manipulation started.
Let me say that I was sick, emotionally. Very sick. I was being treated for bipolar disorder however my treatment was making me worse, and he was making me worse. My head was cloudy most the time and I was always tired. He would say awful, mean things to me then would say that I was making it up when I'd try to defend myself. He told me because I was depressed that I fabricated the things he did. He even did this in front of my family.
I was not innocent here- I was also mean. I fought back every time, I stood up for myself and I can't say I was nice about it. I always started with nice, soft words trying to communicate why I'm upset but when he would accuse me of making things up I'd get angry- then he would get angry at me for being angry. I tried so hard to stand up for myself but he made me believe I was crazy.
The first time he hurt me he grabbed my arm so hard it not only bruised but he knocked it out of place a little. It hurt. He said it would never happen again. It did.
I am a person that needs alone time. We lived in a one bedroom apartment- where you can't get too much space to yourself. If I ever needed to cool off from an argument or just needed to be alone he would follow me and taunt me. He would intentionally antagonize me until I was crying, he would corner me in the room while he did this. I'd always try and talk soft at first.
"Please, let me be by myself"
"Please let me calm down"
"Please let me pass"
Never did he let me do these things.
I'd start sobbing, having a panic attack from being cornered and mocked on a regular basis. I eventually got mad and broke some insignificant things. He would just watch me and yell, scream at me. Telling me I'm crazy. Put gas on the fire he kindled himself.
He always told me I was crazy, nuts, sick. But never did he help me.
He made it so much worse and he knew what he was doing. He then said I was abusing HIM because I would push past him to get away from him ( which I always gave warning to. "I'm gonna push past you if you don't let me go" ) I pleaded with him often, and I always lost, even when I was right.
I told him if he grabbed me again I would leave him. And when he did I didn't leave- he mocked me for it. I was too scared to leave. I had nowhere to go, I wasn't allowed to work or have my own friends.
Everything was a fight, a battle. A fight he always started but always blamed me for. Or he would say "we aren't fighting, you're making it up" because I'm "crazy" right?
I would cry myself to sleep often. But really quiet so he wouldn't hear me, because if he did he would get angry at me for crying. If I didn't stop crying or didn't want to face him, he would force me to turn over, grabbing my shoulders or my hair. Grabbing my face as I sobbed and he would scream "look at me"
And I'd have to stare at him in the eyes (which is something i dont like, eye contact) before he would stop.
He choked me a couple times.
He'd throw me on the bed out of anger. Pushing me with all his power.
He even dragged me off the bed by my feet while I kicked and begged him to stop because I made him upset and it was his bed. And his apartment.
If I cried in the car he would yell at me, even though it was his constant abuse that made me so fragile.
