Anxiety Queens

Chapter 1

 I felt the first tingling of consciousness command my attention. The sensations beamed in random concentrated areas, mirroring the rays of sunlight that always manage to slip through the cracks in my curtains. I could never seem to preserve the total darkness in my bedroom that I desired. Some beams always slipped through.

I kept my eyes shut. There was an enlarged and pulsating tendon in my neck. It was so sporadic and irritating like snow on a television, like sand in your water bottle, like concrete ripping the flesh on your knee open.

I moved my neck to meet my left shoulder, trying to stop the pulsing and massage out the smaller "crunchies". I tasted bile in my mouth and squeezedmy eyes shut further. I furrowed my brows and lifted my forearm to head.

I inhaled deeply and felt my rib cages shift upwards, then exhaled forcefully into a sigh. My expired oxygen rushed out of my body. I opened my eyes just enough to let a thin strip of light hit my retina. Everything happened at once as I jolted upright in bed, my tangled hair wrapping around my head, and my eyes bulged wide open.

I was now aware of the marimba melody floating from my phone. The light and sound from the phone seemed to be the only real thing in the world right now. My room was pitch black, the sun wouldn't be up for another hour. I stared at the screen. 6:16 AM. Wrestling myself out of my dream states and acknowledging I had to bring some movement to my wrapped-up lump of a body takes me at least 15 minutes every morning. It's part of the routine. But today? I was sitting up in 60 seconds.

As the blue light of the screen warmed my face, I was aware of the feelings in my head. My eyes were dry and heavy. The space behind my sockets was aching. My mind was moving like the marbles inside a pinball machine. My train of thoughts was jittery and directionless, leaving me unable to decide on how to proceed with the momentous task of getting ready for school. I simply stared at the blue until my vision went blurry.

I felt, well awful. 11 PM felt like 20 minutes ago. I must have never lapsed into the serenity of true sleep. I floated on top of the world of deep sleep that I so desperately needed. Like I was frying under the sun rays on a pool float, but was forbidden to cool off in the water. I was residing in the first layer of sleep, where the anxieties could still tug at my subconscious.

What was keeping me up at night? School. The first day of senior year in high school. Not even a new school to be specific! I should feel confident. I should rest assured, knowing I would roam the halls well versed in the campus layout and my own place in the high school hierarchy.

But I just couldn't relax. All of the thoughts that caused me to roll around in my bed last night were rooted in insanity. They were whispered in my ears by beasts of the fantastical and the improbable. But that's what distinguishes an anxiety from a concern. The knowledge it's damn illogical.

However, the beasts of the improbable, the evil tyrants of our mental, can transcend from our thoughts and wreak havoc in very real ways on our physical forms. There was one right now, nuzzled between my layer of paper white skin and the frontal bone of my skull, right above my right eyebrow. I scrunched my eyes shut and furrowed my brows. I moved my fingertips to the throbbing area and lightly massaged my headache.

I locked my phone. I needed to do this, I couldn't just sit here all day and feel exhausted. I'll feel better after my morning, after I douse myself in hot water, get some calories and caffeine in my body. Conditions and morale will improve.

I moved aside the the light blue flannel sheets. The cotton glided over my shaved legs. I stood up and used both my hands to brush my jet black hair backwards; fumbling towards the light switch. Standing felt even worse than sitting.