Wanderer

16 - Broken

Jade

“I won’t go, and you cannot expect me to!”

 All of Alaytar’s weariness is gone entirely, and he’s up for a fight. He will tell me that I am going, then tell me why, and then convince me it’s for the best. If I can convince Alaytar that I won’t be convinced, then I’ll be that much closer to not going.

“I can’t give up this life on a whim!” I say. “Ëarendil is a fool if he thinks he’s going to return. I am young yet; I don’t want to leave this earth! I have a life, and it’s here!”

“You won’t have a life at all if this mission fails.” Alaytar says quietly, but his voice is still dangerous.

 “A very wise elf once told me that to resolve a problem, one must address it directly. That very same elf now isn’t. Why is my going on the voyage with the Silmaril so intimately linked with its success?”

 “Because my happiness is.”

 The fight lessens in me then. I’m still determined to win, though I make an effort not to be cruel.

“Atar, I have attachments here! I love Elrond. If you must know, which I suppose you do, I will tell you that we spoke of a future together that night on the porch. He expressed his desire to marry you, though he wished for your blessing. If you do not give it to him, then you have a right to demand obedience from me, and I will come with you. But if you do, then know this: you have denied me the same happiness that you yourself seek every day, and you have made me like yourself: broken.”

I can see his hands tighten on the wheel of Earendil's ship, so hard that his skin turns white. “Jade, I love you so much. I loved Kassandra the same way, and it was my undoing: too much. If you were anyone else’s child, you would have been married long ago. My own selfishness has deprived you of my own life’s quest. I give you my blessing. Can you forgive me?”

I think about what I’m asking for: freedom. The prospect scares me. I’ve known Elrond forever, but going from friend to a wife – it’s a big change. “I’m afraid, Ada.”

Alaytar curses the Dark One. “I too fear the unknown. We are about to plug in the biggest variable in our history into our equation and see exactly what is going to be revealed. I am afraid too, Jade. Will you stay with me, Jade, at least until the marriage takes place or I leave?”

 “Of course,” I say, and hug him.

“I want to do this,” Alaytar says. “It’s been my dream to see the Valinor. But I am afraid at the same time.”

“Me too.” A minute passes.

“Promise me something.”

“Of course.” I can’t imagine.

“Don’t sleep with Elrond until you marry him.”

“Atar!” A red blush paints my face. “Doesn’t that not even need mentioning?”

 “Perhaps. Lust is often mistaken for love.”

 “Which one are you in?” I ask, to tease him.

 To my surprise, he takes it as a serious question. “Neither. I am just as you said; broken. I am incapable of fully loving, and lust holds no sway over me.”

“Why?”

“Because she left me.”

 “How?”

 It’s forbidden ground. Alaytar’s never told me where my mother went, although I had assumed she died. I only knew her name, and that I looked like her.

“She was broken, too.” Alaytar says at last. “But in a different way. She wanted to leave these shores for many years, but I didn’t want her to go. She was lonely, and homesick. So one night – I remember it; she held onto me and her body was so small in my arms – she just left on one of the ships that left every six months. I woke up and she was gone. A part of me died that day, and I’ve not awoken it since.”

 “That’s why you need to go with Ëarendil!” I feel very stupid indeed.

“Yes. I love this world, and will leave another part of my heart here, but a much smaller piece. I love Kassandra more.”

 “If I came, you’d be whole again.”

 “Your unhappiness and my conscience would not allow it.”

 “Atar, will you promise to succeed?”

 “I will make that promise for you.”

 For you. There is no for you in my equation, as Alaytar would say. His includes three: a for me and a for Kassandra and a for the world’s good.

“I will not let your name die,” I say. “It will not be forgotten.”

“I’m not letting you leave yet,” Alaytar says with a hint of humor. “There will be plenty of time for inheritances.”