A splash of colour

Another death inside of me

There it was again. The feeling of needing to fade away and be forgotten but instead another part of me comes crashing down to ruins. I can't run because the darkness chases me - it's within me and I have learnt to accept it and obey its constant demands. Monachopsis a subtle feeling (at first) of feeling out of place. I sigh. Who wants me? Who needs me? Why am I still here? Why can't I feel any emotions? Who and Why the questions that destroy you. The questions that with every word push you further down into a pit of nothingness. No emotion, no people and not even yourself. You forget who you are so it seems like your not there. Just what they all wanted. That small statement made me fight.

I filled my lungs with air as I made myself (the part that was left) walk into that place. School, I hated it and I hadn't been for months. I ran in and started screaming. I don't know why. Tears streamed down my face yet I didn't feel any emotion. 'This is all your fault! I'm fading away and it's because of you! You all destroyed me without even realising! HOW SHALLOW CAN YOU GET?!' I continuously raged as 4 teachers struggled to drag me to the principals office. Everything was in slow motion. They opened the door and started dragging me in so I punched the glass cabinet bearing the schools awards and grabbed a piece of shattered glass. Without thinking I shoved it in my stomach. Gasps and screams filled the room and students started surrounding the door and flooding the small office. Blood was leaking out of me yet I was smiling because as the outside bled the inside let out it's wounds. I was the happiest I'd been for almost a year - until of course the light started to fade and fear grew upon me. What have I done?

Hospital bleeps filled my ears as I woke up. A strange boy and girl were stood over me staring into my soul. I opened my mouth to scream and the boy simply stated, 'We're here to accompany you and possibly help.'
'Not to make you scream or try and kill you,' the girl finished.
I sat up. The boy looked pleased. 'What's with the face of achievement?' I questioned a slight bit embarrassed. The boy quickly hid his face and murmured under his breath, 'Your even more beautiful awake.' I started to blush and the girl introduced themselves to me, 'I'm River and this is Cole, we're twins by the way.'
'I'm Row-,' I began.
'We know and we just want to know why you did this to yourself,' Cole asked me.
'Well I just get this feeling that I want to just fade away and I was gonna be in so much trouble and I just thought it's now or never,' I replied, sheepishly. Cole bent down and hugged me. I returned it - stronger. I hadn't had a hug since I was 6 years old and I'm now 17 he didn't understand how much it meant to me. River left to go home and do a few things around the house but Cole stayed with me.

Cole and I chatted like old friends and he made me laugh. I had forgotten what it felt like to be happy. River dropped in with his clothes to change into and before he left to change I pulled down on his shirt and gave him a kiss on the cheek. He went scarlet red and went to change. River walked in as he left and I began to get to know her. Cole came in after he got changed and then went to get food. Whilst he was gone I became friends with River and she told me how Cole had made them stay with me almost all night every night. She said that every time she persuaded him to go home he would hug me and give me a kiss on the forehead. He did this for months. When he came back River left and I pulled Cole into a kiss. I just whispered, 'Thank you.' As I held him and he held me. I felt safe for the first time in 11 years - for the first time since my dad held a gun to my head.