Venting

Life Sucks

Who knew life could suck so bad? Like whoever invented life is a pure asshole like there really was no need for this either. But life is life right? Oh well, we all grow up and die at some point in life, and that is was I am TERRIFIED of, seeing a white light taking my last breath and closing my eyes for good. 

  When I was little, I thought everyone was happy and lived happy lives in harmony and boy was I wrong. I learned that life sucks ass and everyone hates you unless you're close with them or sometimes family. Who knows what the future brings for all of us, but what if our life becomes short? Like being depressed and wanting to end it all before your future happens? I guess this chapter is about my depression and life questions I ask myself everyday. To think that I could end it all, if I wanted to and never know what the future holds what happens to the people that say they care about me? Will they remember me? Will they be glad I'm gone or will they be sad when I'm gone. Who knows. 

   I don't have a dad, I haven't had one in 11 years or at least one I would consider a father. I don't even know when my dad left my mom and I, my mom won't tell me a thing about him. All I know is that he lives in Washington state and his name is Gary. I got most of my genetics from him except my hair really, my mom is short and has brown eyes, but my dad is tall so I've heard and he has blue eyes like mine. But what makes me wonder is why my mom won't let me talk to him or even ask about him? Like, why does my father have to be a secret from me and what good does it do me trying to find out who he is. 

   I honestly ask myself why life is important and what is the point of living if nothing good happens to me or my family. I question my sanity and life itself and why were people sent here to do things for others and never be sad? My mom for example is always happy and thinks god has a solution to every problem I face, she faces or my family faces and it bothers me. I mean don't get me wrong even though I am pansexual I still go to church most Sundays and read the bible, but that doesn't mean God solves everything. He may have brought people to life or whatever the bible says, but honestly, what's the point and saying "god will help". Like ok god is good and powerful and can solve most problems, but clearly not mine. He pretty much just sists by and watches me cry bleed and struggle from afar, and it doesn't bother me or faize me anymore, like I'm done. Honestly I'm done.