I stood in the sliding glass window, hopeful and anxious. I watched the white bus pull up and Harper opened the side door.
The white bus wasn't your typical bus. It was a versatile vehicle. The Band used this bus to transport children to and from school and daycare, transport elders on their shopping days to Chilliwack, transport youth on their outings and other things that required a certain amount of seats. I was always amazed with the use of this one vehicle and wondered how the driver managed to pull all these things off and still be on time for the children.
I watched Harper pull out one child after another, it is not the drivers responsibility to 'handle the children'. He's just the driver. Harper pulled out five children today, and not one was Heather.
I felt the breath I held slowly wriggle it's way down to my throat. It left a vibrated brain in its wake as the force pushed past the lump in my throat. The rippling feeling pushed itself into my lungs and stomach. I felt sick. I wanted to throw up the moment the air bubble hit the bottom of my stomach. My lungs felt like they were caving in. And my heart.......I could feel the pounds of an irrational drum banging against my chest. Thump...thump...POW..thump..............POW....thump...thump..thump..POW. It left me no peace. My shoulders slumped forward and my head dropped. I gasped for air and fought for my life. I couldn't cry. I was at work. Dizziness swelled my head as my legs went numb. I was broken.
I hadn't felt like this since I was pregnant with Eve when Frank thought it would be a good thing to brag about his 'trophies'. His notches on the bed post. And compared them to me while I carried his baby. I was in love with him then. Afterward, I wasn't.
I kicked myself in the ass repeatedly. Hard. How could I be so stupid?! I knew she would do this to me! I KNEW she would hide my children from me!! And I still hope!! You stupid, niave bitch!
My face heated up and my cheeks were wet. No matter how hard I fought, tears still escaped their ducts. I staggered into the kitchen and fell into the counter. The strength in my legs had given way. My cell phone slapped onto the countertop and my arms were failing to hold my weight. I sobbed quietly.
The day was beautiful. No rain. I knew Harper would keep the kids outside for a short while. For this moment, I allowed myself to break. Maybe Ruby was right. I thought about her harsh and cold words earlier, if I wanted my kids or not, sitting on my pity pot, was that what I was doing? How do I get out of this to fight for my kids the way I had to?
I was backed into a corner with all this bullshit. I had to make a choice. Find my feet and punch, kick and claw my way out, or cower and curl up into a ball. I'm allowed my moments. But my moments couldn't be one long one that took over my life. I had to find the ground. How do I do this again? I was trained by Deborah to lie and manipulate my words. I was trained well. She also taught me to put on a mask to hide my true identity. She refused to have weak children. And I was one of the weaker ones. Always consumed by emotion and unable to stand my ground. Always so willing to bend backward so that others may use and abuse me. And I was okay with it. Why? I often wondered. I knew it was wrong so why did I allow it?
I looked around me and saw that I was nearly on the floor. My fingers were barely hanging onto the edge of the counter. Is this how desparate I allowed myself to be all these years? I asked myself. I forced myself to take a good look at me. Averting my eyes down, I was on my toes and nearly sitting on my heels. My knees were close to my chin. My back so tense that it ached as if it were what clung to the counter.
I looked at my arms, tense and shaking under the weight of my ass. My knuckles were white and my fingers were slipping.
This is what they want! They want me like this! I realized. I'm curled in a fetal position. I'm cowering in this corner. I grip the counter like I'm in denial. I was using Ruby as a scapegoat. I shook my head. I took a deep quivering breath and closed my eyes. I had a few minutes to get my shit together. I had to straighten and compartmentalize my thoughts.
