Soon!

Chapter 1 - Sonja Runs Away

Wow. Just how undecided can one person be? I hated telling Pride that I wasn't staying and he understood. I'm not quite sure how he did, when I really didn't. I just knew I needed to go somewhere else. I knew that it would be hard telling the team but they made it easier by their ease dropping on me talking with Pride. Tammy worked hard not to cry and instead made a tear run down my check. She had quickly become my dear friend and cheerleader.

We had way too many drinks at the bar. Thank goodness I had left my car at the condo and ended up taking a taxi. Finally back at the condo I realize that I could finally let the dam of tears escape. I was brave this evening. I really am excited about this new job opportunity but then there's LaSalle.

I found an old Patti Labelle's song weeks ago called 'Somebody Loves You Baby' which explained my heart completely. I would just put it on loop for hours at a time. I had wondered if I would ever tell him how I felt and now I know the answer is no.

I can still see the look on LaSalle's face when I finally had to tell him why I was late and he gave me a look that I wish I could forget. What did he say? "If leaving's what you want, I'd be happy for you. Is leaving what you want?" I was so confused by the time I finally talked to Pride at the end of their mission. I think he wanted to be pissed but he's too good of a man not realize that some of my discomfort was because of his seemingly recklessness. I had put up my walls long before I got to the team. He tried to take them down but somehow he was not as successful as Brody and Gregorio. But in the end he let me know that I was a valued member of the team and more than that "a friend" and wanted me to stay on the team.

My saving grace was Ms. Loretta. She came through for me. She has been the role model that I cherished ever since I came to the team. Headstrong, compassionate and fearless. Her friendship with Pride was one redeeming quality in him. She could get through to him like no one else. Her encouragement to pursue the new opportunity meant more to me than she will ever know.

So now I'm here and I have more time to think about LaSalle. I tried not to look at him tonight. He has walked around with the puppy dog look since that day when he pressed me and I had to tell him about the interview. When he hugged me that last time, I really expected him to swoop in and kiss me especially after what he said. It still bothers me that I always thought that he wanted me, I know I sure wanted him. He just put that wall up and would not go over it or around it.

I read a quote in an English Lit class once that said 'moving on doesn't mean that you're giving up. It means that you're making a choice to be happy instead of being hurt'. Like I told Loretta, this opportunity fell into my lap but as I worked with LaSalle on that last case, I could not see where I fit into his life. He was trying to get a grip on what I was thinking as we walked from the car up those steps. Not being with him had pained me for months. No, this was the right decision for two reasons -- the prospect for a new career and trying to sort out where I belong as well as the ability to leave this pain in my heart behind. I'll leave LaSalle and Ramon in the rear view mirror and move ahead with my life.

I pour myself a glass of wine and to my dismay there is a knock at the door. Damn it Tammy I say as I open the door you won't have me here much longer to...

Much to my surprise, there stood LaSalle minus that silly grin of his. What's up Christopher?

"I don't know how to say this but I was not ready to say good bye."

I searched my mind really quick but could not come up the words or a reason not to have him come in. "Really LaSalle? Come on in. I just opened a bottle of wine. Do you want some or one of Tammy's beers? Just be gone before she sees that you have it."

"That's not going to happen Sonja. Tammy's not coming back tonight."

"How would you know that?"

"Because we have an arrangement." My eyes got really big and before I could move Christopher had pulled me into an embrace. My own body betrayed me and just like our first hug I found myself melting into his arms. After that first fiery kiss on my lips he found spots on my neck that I had long forgotten were there. "Shit, not now Chris" I murmured but realized that I had not moved an inch to get away from his grip. Knowing that Tammy was not coming back allowed him to freely start removing my clothes then his. This is the man that I always suspected was underneath that seemingly cool, calm demeanor. We didn't make it to my room the first go around. Later in my bed after a repeat performance I laid wrapped in his arms partially angry that it took him this long to decide that he really wanted me and now having been given a reason to regret leaving New Orleans.

Morning came and when I awaken and went to move, Chris' arms tighten around me. "Well good morning to you too. Look I need to get up."

"I'll give you ten minutes. I guess I can let you go for that long."

Let me go? Those words rang hollow in my ears. Yep, he's going to just 'let' me go? I still don't know what the hell Chris was thinking coming by last night. Not once has he asked me to stay or said that he had feelings for me but tapped danced around it in our last one on one conversation. I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of telling him how I feel now.

We finally got up about 9:00 and as I turned the water on in the shower, I could see his reflection in the mirror. After one very, hot steamy shower, we both got dressed. Chris sat on the end of the bed watching me comb my hair. I'll never know how you get all that hair into that little bitty braid.

"Hey, my cab will be here in about ninety minutes. I need to get my suitcases closed up."

"Cancel the cab Sonja. I'll drop you at the airport."

We got the rest my stuff into his truck. The movers had come yesterday to take the bulk of my belongings including my car.

We didn't even make it to the first corner when I asked "why LaSalle? Why now?" "I can't explain it Sonja. Does being stupid count? Tammy told us from day one that we had a thing. I've always known that I love you Sonja."

"Chris do you hear yourself? You just said that you loved me?"

"Well, that's the truth. Look, I did what I knew was right at the time for the team Sonja. I was willing to sacrifice 'us' for the team. You can be angry at me and you can hate me but I know why I did what I did. Could I look back in a week or month or a year and realize that it was a big mistake? Yes, but Sonja I know me. I could not be intimately involved with you and do my job. I would have made a bad judgment call one day to protect you and have that decision be fatal for one or both of us. We had to get through the investigation from D.C. And then when you were almost pushed off that building it resurfaced with me again. What if he had pushed you off? I could have grieved my partner but I would have been destroyed by seeing the possible love of my life dying. It's hard to explain Sonja. I hope in time that you can find it in your mind to understand why I did what I did and forgive me.

Well, I decided there was nothing that I could say and not come across as the angry black woman so I closed my mouth until we got near the airport and I had to tell Chris which airline. Chris put his blue light up on the dash and parked his truck in a spot reserved for security and helped me carry my bags to the screening point.

Finished with that task, Chris asked "do you mind if I walk you to the gate?"

"That would be fine Chris." Half way to the security check point Chris took my hand and took it again once we had cleared the screening for our weapons. Since he had a badge, he was able to walk me to the waiting area. I was the last person to board the plane. I still don't know who that woman was that was sobbing at having to leave her Country Mouse behind.

I saw the pitiful looks that the flight attendants in the forward section gave me as they directed me to my seat and put my carry on in the overhead compartment. I cried so hard that I didn't realize that we had taken off. I looked to the once empty seat to my left and saw that a nun had sat down in it.

Can I help you dear?

"No". I replied as I took her hand and cried even harder. Half way there I was finally able to quit bawling. I'm suspected that the flight attendant was so nice because he knew I was a federal agent. He kept my glass filled and gave me a weak smile at every glance.