Little Pieces of Mine

Forgive and Forget

I remember the feeling after that night. Do you? I mean do you really remember how you felt? You probably don't. I hope you do though. I wanted to crawl into the deepest hole I could find and never come out. I just want to know if our feeling were the same. The pain in my chest was unbearable, you wouldn't know. I almost passed out from hyperventilating. My eyes went dark for a split second and I thought, for just that split second, everything would be alright. But as soon as I opened my eyes again, reality faded in. You knew that once we stared you wouldn't be able to stop. It went too far. You went too far.

 It started out as a game, just like everything else. After awhile aou asked the one question which changes the whole game. Change. That's what I thought I wanted then. I was too naive. You pulled me into the little black hole around you. On the outside it looked so interesting to me and being me then, I had no self-control. I wanted a closer look. That was my biggest mistake. I could stop here and blame the whole thing on myself but I won't. I refuse to be pulled back that beaten path. That feeling I was talking about... imaging you were locked inside a pitch black room with nothing except for your thoughts for days, months, years even. I never got out. All that was left after a while was an empty room. That minute after everything caved in was when I started building my walls. I was trapped in my own little hell. I knew I couldn't just let myself wallow in fear and sadness in my room. In that darkness. So I did the first thing that came to mind, I called/ texted two people. One I knew would know how I felt. The other was just who I went to for anything. My breaths were short and fast. It felt like I was falling and I might faint. But then they picked up the phone and everything just spilled out. Here's the thing I can't handle about the little situation I was in, only me and you know that something happened. But then four people knew and I am so grateful that four people knew. 

To this day I don't know if you've told anyone about it. I hope that this go around you don't mess anything up for her. I'm pretty sure that in one year and three months now, I've never had a one on one conversation with you. I'm afraid that if I look in your eyes there will be some type of conformation or an unknown emotion that will kill me. I could have had something great with someone but I built my walls so high that once they got a brick out, another one would already be back in its place. I feel so bad that I was not enough and things have to be this way, but I'm glad too because you are the one mistake that I will never make again.

Everyone can be forgiven but I can never forget.